happiness= a CHOICE that requires effort @ times

The wonderful two's!

2010-10-29T18:41:00.003-05:00

I started this blog as a 21yr old, single, childless, working women. Today I am a 24yr old married, mother in school. The things that can happen in three years!

Last post I informed you all that I was pregnant, my 2 almost 3 month old daughter is sleeping ever so peacefully in her crib next to me as I type as quietly as possible tryin not to wake her. Boy oh boy does two months go by fast when your a new mommy!

I'm a wife now..... still getting used to that. I love it though. I am now a Mrs.!

SD and I are doing very well. Adjusting to a new baby & married life is the best adjustment I have ever made.

I wont lie, both new roles require ALOT of responsibility, but I am sooo thankful that God blessed me with these two new titles.

Giving birth was not as difficult as I thought it would be. Not trying to sound like some kinda superwomen, but I had been praying about that thang! I asked God to make my labor and delivery as peaceful and painless as possible, and he definitely answered.

I don't really have much to say, but wanted to update anyone who was interested on what is going on in my life. I will still be blogging as often as possible, but my baby ::and husband:: keeps me super busy!

Be Blessed!

Ok Here Goes....

2010-04-06T11:48:00.005-05:00

I know I'm EXTRA EXTRA late but HAPPY NEW YEAR lol!! I cant remember if I told u guys that yet this year so.... betta late than never right?!?!

Well I guess i better go ahead and spill the beans on the big news huh?

Je Suis Enceinte!

I know, its crazy huh?? Life is so unpredictable!

Anywayz.....
I'm so glad its my favorite season of the year SPRING TIME BABY!!! The weather changed so fast here in NC. One weekend it was 30 degrees, the next it was 80 degrees, and it just keeps on getting hotter. Today its a high of 90! This is most definitely going to be a hotttt summer. I don't mind tho, Id rather be too hot than too cold any day. That winter weather was really starting to get me down.... I ain't made for cold weather, PON DE SUN!!
Ever notice how the topic of weather is never inappropriate? When there is nothing else to say, the weather is always the best bet. Nobody ever gets offended, and its a variety of ways to go with the conversation of weather. Amazing!
Ok well I guess I will quit shootin the sh*t........in case you haven't translated the "Big News" by now, ill do it for you.
I'm preggo people!
I will be 24 weeks this Thursday & my baby girl is due on July 29 2010. We have all ready chosen a name for her, but why would I reveal my first born name when I haven't even revealed my own!!!
I don't know y'all like that.......*sucks teeth* shooooot
Naw j/k but seriously... I aint tellin

I'm excited y'all. To be honest when I first found out I was a lil.... bothered. It wasn't until I had a "threatened miscarriage" as the doc called it, at 12 weeks that I really started realizing how much of a blessing this baby is. It was at the moment that they confirmed my baby was still in there kicking and I saw her on the ultrasound monitor, heartbeat just right that I was no longer bothered, but I was in love! I was thankful! I understood that this lil person inside of me was relying on God first and me second to send her the love, and attention she needs to thrive. So I rebuked anything negative, and I spoke by faith saying "My baby and I are gonna make it, in the name of Jesus!"

I know people always talk about the joys of pregnancy as if its all rainbows and sunshine the whole 9 months but that is untrue!!!

Why didn't anybody tell me the nitty gritty ::that's southern talk for "the real deal":: behind this whole pregnancy experience?!?

Okay, don't get me wrong there are the "Oh what a miracle" corny moments like when I feel her kicking, and when I see her on the ultrasounds, and things like that. But this is mentally and physically like nothing else.
But I know its all worth it, and honestly my main concern is that my baby is born healthy & happy.... nothing else matters right about now.
I talk to her, pray to her, rub her.... me and my baby are getting real tight like!
I just ask that y'all pray for her, and me too. I know God has got us, so I'm not worried.

Ok so that's the news my peeps. I will keep y'all updated as often as possible, but SD and I have a lot on our plates getting ready for the new addition.

Be Blessed!

Guess What!!!!

2010-03-05T16:54:00.002-05:00

IVE GOT SOMETHING TO TELL Y'ALL...... SOMETHING LIFE CHANGING..... SOMETHING EPIC..... SOMETHING HUGE...... SOMETHING, NAW LET ME QUIT BUT I DO HAVE SOME NEW NEWS TO ANNOUNCE, THE THING IS THE CLOCK IS ABOUT TO STRIKE 5PM, AND THATS MY CLOCK OUT TIME AT THE WORK PLACE, SO IMMA HOLLA BACK ASAP.

LATA!

Newbie

2009-09-29T15:16:00.002-05:00

Im thinking about starting a new blog.... one where I can be me, the real me, not Ziggy Linden. .

Ive been missing the outlet that this blog used to provide for me.... I want that again.

If I do I will post the link here for anyone who wants to know the real me ::or just be nosey & know what the real me looks like::

Peace Out Peeps

Single, Saved, & Having Sex

2009-08-06T08:04:00.005-05:00

**Okay so I said I wasn't posting anymore... clearly I’ve reneged, on with the post =)**

Christian... that's what I am. So what do I do when I live in a world where just about everything I see and hear, goes against what I believe??

Conform and self destruct?
I did that not too long ago. THEN my spirit started talking to me and I tried to justify it.

On July 29 2009 my spirit stopped talking and I believe God himself stepped in and starting speaking.

I told SD ::the boyfriend:: that I just cant do it anymore. It just came out of no where, like word vomit.

That night him and I broke up because he confessed he didn't think he could be in a relationship without sex......

I felt some kinda way. Happy and relieved because I was pleasing God, but disappointed in SD because he was willing to let out relationship go because of sex.

I just took it as a sign from God that he's not "the one".

After I told him this info and we broke up this ninja left and went to the strip club THE STRIP CLUB of all places lol!

That was IT for me, packed all my belongings from his house and dipped back to my apartment.

Not even 10 mins later he called and told me he was on his way back to the house because he couldn't stay at the club, by that time I was all ready half way home.....

Once I got back to my apartment, i had nothing but my thoughts to focus on... I felt good about my decision because I knew God was pleased and that was enough for me.... I prayed on it and went to sleep.

The next morning I emailed SD and expressed my feelings regarding our break up, during my lunch he called and confessed that I am the women he wants to marry, and hes willing to do whatever it takes, he said he felt that God was trying to reach him through me, and he wanted to wait until we get married. He asked that I take him back... I agreed.

Now this is not the typical ending to this type of situation... this I know. But I know because God was in the midst, all ended well.

This was just yet another example in my life of how God works...... he amazes me every time, because honestly I did not want to break up with SD. But just like I told him..... I am not willing to sacrifice my relationship with God, for anyone or anything.

Just felt the need to share this story, because it can be done. A 22yr old blk female living in the same world as everyone else can resist the temptations, and live her life the way God would have me to.....

Not saying that I'm doing everything perfect, but the things that I recognize need changing.... please believe I'm changing.

So I'm back on track people...... I'm just so thankful that God is so forgiving!

God is Good, so please don't ignore him when you get that gut feeling. It will never steer you wrong.

Currently Reading...

Umm..

2009-06-24T09:54:00.003-05:00

Gosh I haven't posted in a long time!!

Honestly I got a heck of a lot goin on, actually I have more stuff to talk about now than I did when I used to post everyday. For some reason I don't have the urge to blog anymore.....

Ive said this before, then I came back and started typing again just for the heck of it, but I don't feel like doing that anymore.

So with that said, I think I'm done here.

No one really comments anymore, and I don't really have the time or energy to blog. It was fun while it lasted tho!

God Bless =)

Panic

2009-05-27T15:33:00.003-05:00

I have panic/anxiety attacks every once and a while.

I have been having them since about 11th grade. These attacks only happen at night when I'm sleep, or about to fall asleep.

I never told SD about them, so last night when I had one he was a bit confused, cause I hadn't really told him whats been on my mind lately.

This is how my panic/anxiety attacks normally happen.

I'm sleeping then all of a sudden I get this feeling of desperation and panic. Sometimes I will feel like I'm in danger, or sometimes I will feel like someone else is in danger. My heart is beating really fast, and my mind is racing like crazy. Sometimes I start sweating. Just about every time I have one I get up out of the bed, or at least I have to sit up. They normally last about 5mins maybe less, but the longest one I ever had was about 30mins.

Last night episode stemmed from a couple things that have been on my mind. 1st.... money. This recession is really hitting me hard! I don't know if I'm the only blogger out here that's living in it ::probably am... most of yall have degrees and good jobs and ish:: but hey, it is what it is. Its hard out here. Everything seems to be goin up but my paycheck, actually my paycheck is goin down, just read the previous post.
Secondly, my brother is officially a crack head. Yep you read right. His girlfriend/baby moms confirmed it ::again cause Ive been in denial about it for the past year or so:: this past weekend. I have a big brother that is on cocaine. That's hard to type... let alone say and or think.

I'm the kind of person that likes to fix stuff, and this is something that I, myself, can not fix. If I could I would give just about anything to get my brother off that stuff. This is crazy.

I never EVER thought growing up that my big brother, the same one who used to protect me like I was his own child, the same one who I used to laugh with, the same one that I would get up early on sat morning to watch cartoons with...... would be addicted to cocaine.

This is why my panic/anxiety attacks are starting back up.

I'm gonna wrap it up here cause I can feel myself getting emotional, and I promised myself I would never cry at my work place ::cant let these sucka's catch me slippin::

Later...

Always Tryna Hold A Sista Back

2009-05-25T12:46:00.005-05:00

Wats up party people?

Thanks to a snow day earlier this year, I'm stuck at the work place on this ever so important holiday.... and am I pissed? you betcha.

But hey what can ya do? Plus, I'm thankful that I have a job to come to, being that I'm 22yrs old with no degree ::even if they are taking advantage of my shortcomings:: Oh yea I forgot to tell.... the j.o.b is officially debo-ing me.... again. Being that I work for a state agency..... the good ol' governor decided to pass a bill that all North Carolina state employees will take a .5% cut in our yearly salaries.... AND they will be taking that whole .5% out of our next pay checks. Thanks Governor, thanks a lot. In the words of my play play uncle Michael Baisden, this is a bunch of frackle nackle bull. These mofo's got the nerve to tell us, they stealin our mullah so that they can pay state bills..... 1st of all I thought that's why I pay state taxes? Secondly I got my own damn bills that need to be paid.

shoot.....What this country needs is more unemployed politicians!

says my inner Angela Davis.

On a good note I had an awesome weekend. The pic below was taken without my permish, but its pretty much a interpretation of too much cookout food, alcohol, and not enough sleep.

Don't judge me lol!

Everything was cool besides the fact that I had to ditch SD at a house party. Its a long story, but lets just say I removed myself from a sticky situation before it got stickier.

One thing I'm still getting used to is adjusting to dealing with SD's homeboy's girlfriends. I'm one of those girls that believes I have all the "girl" friends I need. I feel like the besties that I have now, are just about as good as its gonna get, so I'm good on the "girl" friend tip. Now I am open to making more guy friends. Guys just seem to get cooler and easier to get along with the older I get, girls are the complete opposite for some reason ::shrugs:: So when I was put in an uncomfortable situation, I removed myself before people started reading my facial expressions ::cause my face never lies:: It was the best thing I could do for everyone involved.

Well, that's about it for right now ::not really but I gotta get back to work, massa is commin lol::

Until Next Time =)

Bored @ Work

2009-05-05T16:35:00.006-05:00

So I drew a picture.....

Dont ask... cause I have no idea why/where it came from

Who ever came up with that line in Forrest Gump "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get" was one heck of a thinker, cause that aint nothin but the truth. Life is so unpredictable, sometimes its scary. A lot of things have been happening in my life that I would have never EVER predicted. Most of the stuff I don't really care to elaborate on right now.

The streets are flooded here in Charlotte right now due to the rain. The streets I travel to get home from work are shut down so I have to find another way to my destination, ugh! As I typed that.... I just realized that pretty much symbolizes how I'm feeling right now.

Its like I have so many emotions, thoughts, and feelings flooding me, I cant figure out how to get myself together ::dag I'm deep lol! j/k:: IDK. Life is weird.

But im maintaining...

PSA: Girl, Please!

2009-05-01T11:01:00.010-05:00

He's making u his fool.
Okay so I have this friend and she is ALWAYS getting played real stupid by guys. Shes one of my besties, so I try to keep it 100% with her at all times. Its obvious that the guy she is dealing with now is a straight up scrub, but its like she chooses to ignore the 987 red flags that are waving directly in front of her face. There are so many different situations, and examples I could name that I don't know where to start, but here's one....

1st off hes her coworker.... that made the romance questionable from the get go.
Secondly he was was all ready known for being the office hoe ::he had messed around with about 3/4 other girls in the office previously:: Believe it or not this negro ::I only use that word when necessary:: had the nerve to send her this message the day after they had a brief argument...

"I didnt wana hurt u. I playd like I gave a fuk bout u and him ::refering to her baby father:: cus i wantd u to thnk otha thn tha fact tht i jus wantd to fuk u. So if i shwd u i wantd to be wit u thn u wldnt go nowhre. Why dont u thnk i couldnt commit to u by placin a label on us? U knw im a good man that u didnt want and I knw u are a good women, but all I see when I look at you is a pretty face and a good fuk."

Yep that is the actual text message he sent her.... and guess what, 2 days later she was chillin with him again like he didnt just disrespect her ::smh::

Dont get me wrong, im not one of those "man bashing" females out there. Honestly I try and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But when someone is just rude for no reason, I have no patience for them. I told her she setting her self up to get her feelings hurt even worse.... she just said "yea, but im just in it for what it is"........ some bull, that's exactly what it is.... some straight up bullsh*t.

While browsing the Internet I found a blog entry by a blogger named Courtney Willis. She listed ways to know if you are are getting played. I'm sure my friend isn't the only one out there with blinders on so I figured I'd share....

Ya’ll don’t talk on the phone: Even if he calls instead of sending another text, no phone conversation lasts for more than two minutes and it usually ends with whether or not you’re coming through.
You’re always leaving a voicemail: If his phone is off when you call, or he never picks up, it’s probably not because he was on the train. He might’ve been running one, though.
He doesn’t want to wife you right now: Every time you bring up talk of a relationship, he has an excuse about why he just can’t get into one right now – his ex broke his heart, his job is too time consuming, he’s not mature enough, he doesn’t believe in monogamy, etc. When a dude says he’s not trying to be in a relationship, remember that he just didn’t finish the sentence. He's not trying to be in a relationship with you.
Initial texts aren’t specific: Have you noticed if you respond right away, chances of getting together that night are high, but if you wait more than 30 minutes to respond, something came up? That’s because that first text you got was a mass text. But hey, at least he’s efficient.
He disapproves of sleepovers: He can call you at 7am to head over before work but you couldn’t just stay over the night before? Yeah.
Dates are never planned: Does he call and ask what you’re doing that night? Does the date usually happen at one of your apartments, with cheap vodka and another stupid movie? Then it’s not a date. If he hardly meets you out in public — let alone, takes you out in public — time to re-evaluate the relationship.

umph! Hopefully this PSA will save someone.

Okay So Im Back

2009-04-28T14:11:00.006-05:00

Just that fast... im back w/ pics and stuff to keep u entertained.

I got a lot on my mind, and Shay Shay reminded me ::thanks Shay!:: that this is my blog so its okay for me to talk about whatever I want, and cry if I want.... who cares what y'all think :: just kidding... kinda =) :: I mean really, I had to go back to my roots, and by roots I mean my very first post I said....

" I don't mind if someone wants to read and/or comment but that is not my main objective. My objective is to have an outlet where I can express my thoughts and feeling."

Yea...... I need to get back to my main objective.

I need to get back to my main objective in Life period. I've been on this emotional rollercoaster lately, and im about ready for this ride to end.

Yesterday I was up, today im down. The funny thing is..... my life ::in general:: has been pretty good.... I cant really complain. I havent been as broke as I normally am. I found a cheaper apartment to move into when my lease it is up. Even though the new apartment is gonna be hella small im still thankful.... take a look

Im moving from this spacious one bedroom apartment ---------> To this.......

Its a downgrade, this I know, but its also a recession..... and I am most definitely in it. So I gotta do what I gotta do. Plus I'm taking into account that I'm never at my apartment any way. In the past 2 months I have slept at my apartment 2 times, and that is because SD was out of town, and I chose not to stay at his crib. Why don't I move in with SD?? That's what a lot of people have been asking..... I need my own, that's my final answer. I depend on no one but myself and God to provide for me, and I like it that way.

Plus if him and I don't work out, or if ish pops off @ his house, I always have my own place to call home.... feel me?

Speaking of SD, he got issues.

Like he has some serious anger management issues. He doesn't know how to control his emotions when he gets upset and that aggravates that heck out of me.

Its because I make sure I think things through when I'm upset or emotionally off, he doesn't. He so damn hasty, and that ish is reckless. I tell him all the time that he is a grown man, and he needs to learn how to deal with his emotions and issues like a grown person, not by throwing temper tantrums like a little kid. That shit turns me off!

So this past weekend I was on a Christian Retreat with the youth at my church.... We went to Ashboro NC and stayed in this log cabin in the mountains/middle of the woods.

The red arrow indicates the location of the log cabin I stayed in... I was not playin when I said middle of the woods.

Now, I'm not much of the outdoorsy type so this was an adjustment to say the least. By the time Sunday came I was thanking God that I made it through without getting stung/bitten/attacked/eaten in whole by one of the mutant insects that you only find in the country woods. I'm a city girl. I was born in Brooklyn,NY and raised in Charlotte NC- which is nick named "The City". So insects, a bunch of trees, lizards, an array of spiders, and all that other stuff that you find out there makes me VERY uncomfortable.... did I mention I had to sleep on a bunk bed?? Yea, a dog gone bunk bed. I didn't get a pic of the beds, but I do have one of the common area in the cabin.

Nice right?? That is until the mosquito's attacked. I'm not talkin about no regular mosquito's either, I mean the ones with the 2 inch long legs/fingers, and wings as big as a eagle!

::okay I'm exaggerating, but only a little::

Upon returning from the retreat, SD was on vacation in VA, he just returned yesterday. Come to find out he lost his job today ::bummer:: I know its wrong, but he is unattractive to me right now, all because he no longer has a job. I know its not really his fault, its because of the way the economy is right now. He has saving and what not so he is going to be okay until he finds another gig, but I'm saying..... it just not a good look. Don't get me wrong I'm not gonna break up with him or anything, but if I notice him slacking on his job search, please believe it will not be over looked. I think all this stankness that I have toward him also has something to do with the fact that he started an unnecessary argument with me last night, after not seeing me for four whole days. I'm still not over it.... clearly.

Whew... this felt good, I think I may be starting to like blogging again!

Im bored with this...

2009-04-27T09:35:00.006-05:00

Okay, so I get bored with things really easily, because I don't have a long attention span. Especially if it becomes a routine. That's how I haven been feeling about blogging lately....
bored.

I feel like i don't really have much to blog about anymore

There has been a lot of interesting stuff goin on in my life lately, but I just don't have the "umph" to blog about it.

Plus, I don't want every blog entry to be about what me and my relationship.... ya know?

So id rather just not blog until I have something worth blogging about.

I've tried the past couple post, but its just a bunch of frackle-nackle when I read back over them. And its kinda sad, cause I remember when blogging used to be my crack. It feels like im breaking up with my blog =(

Maybe this is something that all bloggers go through ::or not:: but I've been noticing that a lot of other bloggers have been slipping too.

Maybe cause its getting warm outside.... who wants to sit on the computer thinking up stuff to blog about for free?? Not me! or at least not right now.

Right now blogging is not providing me with that "thing" it used to..... so I'm not sure when I will write again. Could be tomorrow could be next month, or next fall IDK, yall know how indecisive I am.

Until next time, love, peace, and sooouuullll !

So Today Is 4/20...

2009-04-20T09:18:00.011-05:00

And I'm at work reminiscing about freshman year @ that popular HBCU here in North Carolina that I used to attend. Just thinking how 4/20/2005 I was blasting Mary Jane by Rick James, riding with all the windows down, smiling, and puff puff passin'.

For those that may not know, not only is this the start of earth week, but today is like the unofficial holiday to celebrate 'da reefa'

How did this holiday come about you ask?? Well according to my sources it started out back in the 70's with some kids in Cali coding "4:20pm" as the official time they would meet up to babysit the blunt, and somehow it turned into 4/20 being an unofficial holiday for all smokers ::don't quote me on this tho, quote them::

Coincidentally, in 2004 Senate Bill 420 in Cali was signed and it regulated Mary Jane use for medical purposes ::quote them again::

As you guys may know I used to be a chief. I used to be a heck of a chief, but nobody really knew unless i told them or they chilled with me. Not that I was ashamed, but I just didn't broadcast it, and I never "looked/acted" like I was on cloud 9, I was just that good. I actually wrote a letter to my old friend last year. I'm not gonna lie, I have hit it a couple times since that letter. Maybe about 4x's.

I pass judgement on no one who chooses to puff the magic dragon. In my opinion the only reason that 'ooohh weeee' is still illegal is because the US government cant capitalize off of it, but that's another post ::don't want me to go into my black panther mode, things might get ugly:: I agree with Katt Williams... a lil weed ain't never hurt nobody, no one has ever died of a weed overdose. I do believe too much reefa consumption over a long period of time can make you mildly retarded ::just mildly::

Zak Koeske, a freshman in the S.I Newhouse School of Public Communications had an .....ummm...... peculiar out look.

"I would consider myself good friends with pot, but not a 'pothead, I probably blew over $1,000 the first semester on weed. If I was struggling financially, I'd probably cut back more, but I have a job to supplement my habit."

LOL @ that statement!

I guess it ain't trickin if you got it, Happy Earth ::yea right:: Week!

I Like This...

2009-04-16T08:21:00.001-05:00

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

Not sure who wrote it, but I like it!

Facebook....

2009-04-13T16:13:00.003-05:00

Sooooooo SD wanted to announce our relationship on facebook about a month ago, I was kinda hesitant about that, but I agreed. Not sure why I felt some kinda way, I guess its cause Ive never announced anything on facebook..... I don't even update my status, I don't even check my messages..... as of today I have 926 messages in my facebook inbox. I dont comment on his page or pictures. The most I will do is 'poke' SD occasionally.... and thats cause only he can see that. So to reveal something as personal as who I am in a relationship with to the world wide web was a bit much for me.

So today I get on facebook via my handy dandy blackberry, and one of my notifications shows that Ive been tagged in a pic..... I click it, and its pics of me and SD that we took at Dave & Busters about 2wks ago........... for some reason I got mad lol!

I guess its cause I am a very very private person ::hence the anonymity:: it makes me a little uncomfortable that people I barely know can be all up in my personal life stalking my pics and shit without my knowing. I'm so uncomfortable with my business being in the streets that I even took down my facebook wall about 6 months ago.....

Most of this stems from the way I was raised. "Whatever happens in this house stays in this house" that's what my mom always taught me.

Ive contemplated removing SD's name from my page and just having my page say "in a relationship" but I know that would hurt his feelings.

Maybe I will de-tag my name off those pics before he gets a chance to see it.... yea that's what Ill do!

Pregnant?

2009-04-06T14:55:00.012-05:00

Had a dream last night that was........ questionable.
Ever since I have been spending the night with SD I have not had one dream. Not one. And we have slept together ::and by that I mean shared a bed, not necessarily got it on:: every night since March 5th ::cause i write everything down:: Last night I had my first dream, and guess what it was about.... me.... being.... pregnant.

::VERY VERY VERY LARGE SIGH::

If I told you the dream via blogger, by the end you would be like "..... huh?" because it only makes sense in person, not even over the phone cause you have to see all my facial expressions, and hand/body motions to truly GET it. Basically the whole dream I was preggo, and everybody knew, but acted like I wasn't, so I did too ::hey, why not?:: At the end SD & I were at the hospital I was about to give birth, and the nurse was just about to give me a shot ::the epidural.. I think:: then she said "If you don't want to have the baby that is still possible, its not too late just let me know, but if you want to keep the baby that also an option, it's up to u". Right when I was about to pick up the phone to call my sister so she could help me make a decision SD woke me up for work. I told him about the dream, and he has been tryin to figure sh*t out all day. The dream was way more detailed and other stuff happened but I don't feel like making it make sense for y'all ::if that makes sense:: I just felt like this dream needed some kinda documentation.

Not sure what to think of this one, cause Auntie Flo is definitely here, and she's queer (queer as in gay. gay as in happy, as in Auntie Flo is happily here- just to clear that up)

P.S. What really made this whole thing crazy is right before I entered work my sister called me ::she never calls me early in the morning:: First thing I said is "Whats up?" ::I figured something happened:: she said "oh nothin... you were just on my mind for some reason"

Im Confused

2009-04-01T09:26:00.004-05:00

Like always

I hate that I'm so indecisive. It really is one of my biggest downfalls.

Lately I have been really emotionally confused.... why? I don't know... cause I'm confused.

Its like there's too many thoughts and feelings goin on so I cant feel or think straight, nah mean?

My Libra scales must be off again... either that or Auntie Flo is on the way got my hormones all jacked up.

Ive been kinda anti social too.... oh well

I think I need some "me" time, haven't had any of that since February.

Who knew being in a relationship was so much work?

No wonder I stayed single for so long!

Not that things are bad, its just the fact that there is now another person added to the equation that equals my life.

Its weird.

A good weird tho.

I'm typing out the side of my neck so its time for to me end it here, before I say something crazy.

Until next time.... lata peeps

PS: For some strange reason, I cant comment on some of y'all blogs.... and I really want to, but as soon as I get the chance to do so outside of work I will =)

The Word Part Deux

2009-03-24T15:20:00.011-05:00

The Word Part One

Have I changed since I started this relationship with SD?

Im sure anyone who was reading my blog prior SD can tell the difference. Lets see.... I'm having sex now ::for those that dont know I used to be celibate:: , I curse a lil bit more than I used to, I drink more often, and i never really have free time anymore outside of work.... but that's what being young as all about, isn't it?

According to my Thearpy post... no its not

"Being a true Christian puts you in a whole 'nother place. I don't get a free pass to be young and dumb, because I've all ready grown past that. I don't get to use ignorance as an excuse, because I know that it is not acceptable."

Let me keep it real with y'all I'm slippin

I've noticed that since I started this relationship with SD I have backed away from my relationship with God..... it sucks to admit that, but its the truth.

See before I had more than enough time to sit around think/pray/communicate with God without my thoughts being interrupted, but ever since SD entered my life I haven't been making time for that.

Not to place the blame on him, cause he has told me that is one of the major reasons he is so attracted to me is because I have a special "something". I know that special "something" he is talking about is the God in me. How could I be so easy distracted? I believe that SD is a blessing that God has placed in my life, but I cant allow this blessing to take over. I prayed for a man like SD. Yea he has his flaws just like any other human, but I truly feel like he is the answer to my prayers. I gotta get my mind back right.....

This "honeymoon" period of my relationship has taken over, and that's not okay.

I'm guilty of not following my own advice...

"I feel that a lot of people tend to think that just because they sin, God is not available to them. That is completely false."

Those are my words.... why am I not taking heed to my own advice? For me its easy to give advice to other people, but when it comes to taking my own advice I have a real issue. The bible all ready addressed this:

Matthew 7:3-5 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Im being a friggin hypocrite!

Living in this world is not an easy task.... not knowing what is next is what makes it so difficult. That's why I gotta get back to living my life based off of what I do know, and that is "no matter what life may throw at you, the big man upstairs always has your back"

The truth really hurts when you have to look at the (wo)man in the mirror

Strip Clubbin' Wit My Man

2009-03-23T10:12:00.004-05:00

Sooo this past Saturday I went to the strip club with SD, and a couple other people. I had soooooo much fun y'all, it was crazy! This was my first time going to the strip club with my significant other, but I had more fun than when I go with my homies. We went to this club here in Charlotte called Onyx. Its the nicest black strip club in the city. I wore an all black fitted dress from Arden B ::I tried to find the dress link on their site, no luck:: some black heels from nine west ::they have the most comfy shoes:: and gold jewelery to match my newly colored auburn hair, I was cute =)

Too bad I got extra drunk and we had to leave early =( I need to learn how and when to stop! I had two glasses of punch that was spiked with Christian Brothers, and Ciroc before we left SD's house, and 4.5 cups of grey goose and pineapple juice when we got to the club.... keep in mind im 5'6 125lbs. I think most of my heavy drinking came from my nerves. I wasn't sure how I was gonna feel about SD watching another chick grind naked right in front of me, but it was fun lol! I made friends with some strippers I met in the bathroom. One of them asked me to get her a drink, she gave me the money and let me keep the change ::yes!:: I gave it back to her when she was on stage tho. Those were some cool ass chicks.

Too bad they get stereo typed. IDK maybe it was the goose that had me feeling all loose and what not, but based off our short convo they were the kind of chicks I would normally hang out with.

This one stripper kept doing this trick that I just could not figure out. She was on a head stand just like this ::but in a sexy stripper way:: and when a customer laid a dollar across her umm.... privates, the stripper somehow made a strong wind blow out of her vajayjay and the dollar flew in the air then trickled down, it was amazing, and I could not figure out for the life of me how she did that!! Just imagine if you inhaled then someone placed a dollar across your mouth and you blew out... that's what it looked like but on her vajayjay all while she was on a head stand..... that's skills. She deserved every single dollar she got that night. There was this other stripper that was being lazy. The whole time she was on stage all she did was barley slow wind on the pole... booooo, nobody likes a lazy stripper!

All in all I had a really good time for the three hours I was there.

I just blame us leaving early on the goose, but Ill do better next time.

Radio Killa- R&B Gorilla

2009-03-19T09:50:00.012-05:00

Terius Youngdell Nash,
How do you do it?? What planet are you from? Can you take me home to your mama?

Sincerely,
Ziggy Linden

The first album Love ::me all summer::/Hate ::me all winter:: was in my CD player all summer and winter just like he predicted. My favorite song on that one is between Purple Kisses, and Playin In Her Hair..... hard to choose. The whole CD was genius.

Now he has come back with Love vs. Money.... I'm speechless. This dude is amazing. The new album is like an upgraded version of the first one.

Some of my fav lines from Love vs. Money:

"Girl call Latisha your beautician... cause your hair is gone need fixin" -Sweat It Out
"Cause ill pull down a cloud for you, ill circle the stars and bring you one back" -Walkin' On The Moon
"So kiss dat n*gga, Hug dat n*gga, Love dat n*gga to death" -Love vs Money Part 2
"See she made her way from nothing, Can't fault her for wanting something" -Fancy
"Loading up my arrow, cocking back your bow, Cupid ain't got sh** on me" -Mr. Yeah
"Can we f**k now?" -Mr. Yeah :: you gotta hear how/when he says it!::
"Like a dj I'm screwin it, while we doin to kelly's 12 play" -Kelly's 12 play
"As we repeat steps 1 through 12 She like, thank you dream, I'm like, no thank you kells" - Kelly's 12 Play
"Im finna take her home to my mama" -Take U Home 2 My Mama
"Im all up on you like a white tee on a thug" -Put It Down

**his southern twang is so potent, I luv it!**
Those are just a few. If you don't all ready have it, go get this CD.

I got mine for free.99, but had I paid the market price it would have been worth it =)

PS: Keri Hilson's CD is pretty good too, but not as good as The Dream.

PSS. Is it just me or does Bobby V look cross eyed on his s curl box cover.... opps I mean new album cover??

Life's Great, Minus The Bullsh*t

2009-03-17T11:32:00.012-05:00

Boy am I glad that Spring starts Friday or what! This winter has been harsh, and I ain't just talkin bout the weather. Really 2008 in general was a year that has no comparison, but that's another story. I don't think anybody dislikes being cold more than me. I get really unapproachable, and don't let me be cold and hungry..... trust, it gets ugly.

So I am really looking forward to the warm weather months. Things just seem to go so much smoother when its warm outside. Everything is funner ::yes I typed funner- it is an inflected form of the word fun:: I'm getting excited just thinking about it!

Of course I got some mo' drama for yo' momma to report on. Remember when I told that SD's baby mom was preggo... well, this story line ain't even reached its climax.

On the 12th ::cause I write everything in my calender:: when SD and I were about to... umm... yea, he comes out of his mouth and calls me her name!!! YES HE DID! He called me by my 1st name and her last name ::remember I told my name and her name are practically the same, but I was still pissed!:: to make an extra long story short, that lead to him telling me she had told him that the child she is preggo with might be his, and he called himself trying to keep it from me until he figured out how to tell me, because he thought I would leave him.... jigga what?

Let me break this down....

SD and his baby mom had sex one time in Nov, and one time in Dec of 2008. This I was aware of when we got together. Shortly after she had sex with SD she began having sex with his homeboy, the doctor told her she was 11 weeks ::12 weeks now:: so she doesn't know who her the child's father is ::smdh hard as h*ll as I type:: So now we have to wait till damn near the end of the year when she has the baby to find out who the father is. That's that bull.

After a very long talk I made the decision to stay wit him, and here's why. 1st, after learning about the new twist to her being preggo I understand that he called me her name because that shit was on his mind, and he knew he was wrong for not telling me. 2nd, I cant be mad @ the fact that the baby may be his, b/c him and I were not together/talking/nothing when the relations occurred. 3rd, I truly believe he is worth it. 4th I don't want the baby mom to feel like she won.... I know that's stupid, but its only like 1.5% of the reason why I'm staying.

Everything would be perfect if that d*mn baby mom would just sit down some where!! Honestly, I am happy. I know I only talk about the drama here on my blog, but things really are good b/w SD & I. He treats me better than anybody I have ever been with before.

I pray the new season, and the sunny days brings less drama!!

Sippin On Dat Siz-zurp

2009-03-12T15:28:00.006-05:00

Lil Wayne has officially lost it. In case you missed it follow THIS LINK to view the video for his new rock and roll single titled "Prom Queen". Im all for tryin new things but Wayne looks awkward & confused about what hes doing the whole video ::kinda like a lil 5yr old kid reciting his lines for the 1st time in the church's easter play:: like he doesnt even look like he likes the song, so why would he expect anyone else to enjoy it?

I guess so Weezy F Baby ::please say da bae-be::

Easy? So much for that idea

2009-03-10T16:40:00.004-05:00

This is getting ridiculous. I have to go ahead and tell whats goin on...

Friday SD and I decided to go ahead and make it official. He's my man, and im his girl. Thats wats up.... the only thorn in our relationship is that d*mn baby mom. To keep a long story as short as possible Saturday night I all most eff'd up SD and I relationship before it really even got started, Sunday I thought I was gonna have to open a can of whoop ass on his baby mom, and Monday his daughter thought her dad was a dead man. Here's how it all happened.
Saturday I ran into B* @ the club. Remember B*, the one that I thought was the love of my life? Keep in mind I have not seen him in almost 2 yrs, so running into him while we were both intoxicated was not the best situation. To sum it all up he wants to "give it another try". He swears that he is different now, he's sorry about the past, and he loves me oh so much, blah blah blah. Honestly, I got pleasure out of telling him that I was in a relationship. I wanted him to know that he messed up with a good girl that he no longer had a chance with. With all that said at the end of the night he snuck and kissed me, I mean he was really tryin to kiss me like tongue and all! Being that I have great reflexes, it didn't go as he planned. I shook his ass like a pro, so instead of a long drawn out passionate kiss it was more like a longer than normal tight lipped peck.... I still felt kinda bad about it tho. I went to SD's house after I left the club and passed out on his bed. He had gone to the strip club so he got in around 4am. I told him about what happend with B* @ the club, but of course I left out that kiss part =)
Most of Sunday I spent sleep, recovering from the festivities of the previous night. SD fixed my brakes on my truck that I have been putting off for the past year ::yay!! no more sliding in the rain lol:: temperature was about 70 degrees, SD had invited a couple people over.... it was a lovely afternoon until around 10pm'ish when the baby mom came to drop of their daughter... She told SD she wanted to "meet" me ::really she just wanted to "see" me:: so I came to the front of the house. She looks me up and down and says "......... Hey........" so I looked her in her eyes and say "Hello ::smile. blink. smile:: " no other words or eye contact b/w she and I have been exchanged since, BUT she most def tried to go off on SD. I think her meeting me made it all too real. The fact that I'm cute, I got my ish together, and I'm extra comfy in a house that she used to call her own didn't help make this a smooth transition for her. She storms to the back of the house :: which I did not like:: and tells him that she feels disrespected because he is throwing me in her face ::if I'm not mistaken you asked me meet me?:: She then gathers up their daughter and storms out the house. About 5 mins later she comes back banging on the door. SD's cousin opens the door she storms back to the room where SD is and proceeds to embarrass herself by acting like a 5yr old in front of a group of mature adults. The whole time this is goin on the devil on my left shoulder was saying "What tha hell, Go back there and give her the business!!!" the angel on my right shoulder was saying "Deal with this like a women. Remain calm, he's handling her so let him be a man" I decided to go with the angel. I cant lie he really did put her in her place, I couldn't have asked for him to handle any differently. After he made her leave the house, my mind begin to wonder..... that devil was still chillin on my left shoulder adding fuel to the fire that was inside of me, and y'all know what I do when shit gets complicated avoid, ignore, avoid. I gathered my belongings and headed toward my car. SD came behind me wanting to ride with me, but I told him just let me go alone so I could clear my head. I went straight to the corner store and purchased two black and mild. My plan was to ride with no music and the windows down while I smoked my troubles away... then my sister called ::I swear she is always right on time!:: She could hear in my voice that something was wrong so she told me to come to her house. When I got there she made me a drink, I ignored all text and phone calls, and we talked about what happened. She gave me the best advice like she always does. She told me to stop running, go back over there and talk it out with him. That's exactly what I did. Not to mention the whole drive back to his house I'm sipping on Sangria, so I was good and ready to talk when I arrived back. That was my Sunday night...
Monday morning SD and I wake up, and hit the reset button. We made the decision not to let any one person ruin our relationship. If shit gets complicated its gonna be because one of us did something, not because of an outsider. I get to work and about a hour later I get a text from SD that reads "Call me as soon as you can". He tells me that when he went to pick up his daughter the baby moms tells him that she's pregnant.....ummm what?!? Yea pregnant, and guess who the father is..... not SD but one of his homeboys, that just got out of jail! She also sends SD a text message that he forwards to me, and it reads "I'm sorry if I disrespectd u, ur friend seems like shes an ok person, i wnt u to knw that im dealin wit alot, so bear wit me" I have no more to say about that...
Monday afternoon I'm feeling like a co-star in a lifetime movie. SD calls and tells me that babygirl ::his daughter:: overheard her mother on Sunday night when they got back to her apartment saying that she was going to shoot and kill SD. Keep in mind his daughter is a very smart 3yr old, so she picks up on things. SD's mom ::who watches babygirl during the day, and all ready doesn't like the baby mom:: is livid that her gran daughter is crying to her because she had to listen to her mom rant like that. SD tells his baby mom that she needs to explain to their daughter face to face that she didn't mean what she said, he also tells her that I will be over there. Baby mom proceeds to tell him that she would also like to apologize to me... I choose not to be there because honestly I was still upset with her shenanigans. Maybe some other day... maybe.

So there you have it... whew! On a good note, my little cousin who did my false eye lashes had her lil baby girl today...Congrats Cuzo =)

A Weekend Like No Otha

2009-03-09T07:58:00.004-05:00

I have sooo much to tell about this weekend, but right now is not the time. I gotta get my thoughts and feelings together first......

All im gonna say for now is SD's baby mama all most made me flashback to the person I was 2005-2007.... she betta be glad im the person that I am now..

Wat A Bum-Bum

2009-03-04T11:14:00.001-05:00

This morning I walked into work and everyone in my department was in the "meeting" room looking all nervous. I strolled in there real cool like, and took a seat. About 5 seconds in I realized what the meeting was about... layoffs.

I work for the state here in good ol North Carolina, so the discussion of budget cuts has been a major topic in the news. Being that I'm an "insider" I kinda all ready knew this was coming, but I didn't think it would be so drastic. THANK GOD no one in my department is being directly affected ::yet:: by this "reduction in force aka RIF" as they call it. I just feel bad for the people that are going to be affected. They said they are just gonna break the news and escort them out..... dag! I pray those people that are affected have faith and know that God will take care of them regardless.

My department has been told that at this point we are not affected, but more budget cuts are on the way. I took that as them saying "Y'all straight for now, but don't get to comfy"

This recession is something serious...

Road Rage... Revisited

2009-02-24T14:12:00.004-05:00

**Okay, this is an old post that I feel the need to repost after my driving experience this morning**

Lately my road rage has been off tha chain!!Not sure where all this pinned up anger is coming from, but I have really been losing it while behind the wheel... So I decided I needed to release these pinned up emotions before I burst while driving...Now my daily travel back and forth to work requires me to drive in what is probably the worst traffic in Charlotte. I work the basic hours 8-5 so its normal to expect some blockage... but the streets I must travel are horrendous! Ive experience an array of characters, and here is my advice to them...

The Breaker: You know who you are...the ones that drive with their right foot (and probably left one too) hoovering over the brake while tapping it every 3 seconds!!!!!!!! Why must you continue to BRAKE when there is no one in front of you huh??? Are you scared??? Inexperienced maybe?? If so than imma have to ask you to either put one of those 'student driver' signs on top of your car or get in the slow lane, and leave the fast lanes to me and the other people that know what they are doing.... thanks!
Holla Back Man: Another thing that annoys me is when I am driving minding my own business trying to keep my eyes on these non drivin drivers, and some dude decides he wants to pull up beside me roll down is window and holla while we are doing 60MPH in traffic ::smh:: Look homie, its not that serious okay? Maybe I will run into you somewhere else, in another situation that is a heck of a lot safer... lets not risk the lives of you and I, and EVERYONE ELSE on the road all right???
The Elders: Lets address the elders... Now I don't want to be disrespectful here, because I understand that your reaction time may be a little slower than average... or maybe you just didn't see my big black SUV in the lane DIRECTLY beside your Lincoln before you decided to cut me off.. even though we were riding parallel to each other its all good grandma and/or grandpa, out of respect I forgive you for that... but here's where I get a lil frustrated, please DO NOT take advantage by slowing down and going 5MPH for the next 30 miles while you brake at every single street we pass because you don't want to miss your turn! I'm not retired.. I got things to do, and I do not have the time or patience to wait on you to squint while approaching every street sign, I'm sorry Mrs.Daisy I just don't!
Mr./Mrs./Miss./Ms. Hasty: Now I understand what it is like to be impatient... I really do, but you take it to a whole 'nother level. I would say a good 74.6% of the people on the road want to get where they are going as quickly as possible ::sidebar:: And I quote: 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot ::end sidebar::. Why must you ride on my bumper oh so close?? Is it because you think your scaring me into going faster?? Well let me hit you with some knowledge... 1st of all I can only go as fast as the car in front of me is going, these are real automobiles not bumper cars not video game cars, you can not create a surge of power by nudging my car... but what you can create is a good excuse for me to file a claim with your insurance company. 2nd of all please stop switching lanes all crazy like! You are making an a$$ out of yourself, and I am embarrassed for you. Your also making everyone around you nervous because we don't know what kind of crazy spin move you might pull next... and in all actuality your in the same spot if not further behind then you would have been had you stayed in your original place =(
The Geese Gang: Is it just me or do they take their time on purpose?? It seems like when those geese gangs take over the street they make sure you know who is in charge, by looking every driver they can in the eye while crossing! I get the feeling they are saying " I wish a mutha would". And why do they get their own special signs?? What about all the other animals?? Like squirrels, or raccoons ::smh:: those poor creatures don't have a chance. I think we need to reevaluate what animal crossing signs are most important cause personally I don't mind stopping for a DEER CROSSING, now that's a gang I will respect, they will mess you and your car up... but some punk a$$ GEESE??
The Hesitator: I know driving can be a little scary sometimes.. but you gotta take charge! Don't let other drivers intimidate you! Go ahead and make that turn into oncoming traffic, and don't let all 50 cars from a merging street punk you by jumping in front of you! Unless you grow some balls you will never become a better driver... I'm sorry its true
The Northerner: Your a lot like Mr./Mrs./Miss./Ms. Hasty, except you like to add sound effects to your rage. You like rolling down your window leaning your body half way out of the car and yelling out unnecessary things. You also enjoy laying on your horn. Sometimes if traffic is stopped you will go as far as to getting completely out of the car making some kind of wacky hand motion and verbally assaulting your fellow drivers! Your making all of us southerns very uncomfortable.. You want to make eye contact with all the neighboring drivers, but we want no part in your tirade so please... have some respect, its not where you from its where you at, and that type of behavior is completely unacceptable down here, this is your final warning northerner.

So if you fit the description of one of these :::yes u too Geese Gang:: please take note and action. Thanks.

Power To The People

2009-02-24T11:30:00.004-05:00

**I'm sure you have seen/heard of this mess of a joke. This is the letter that John Legend wrote to the New York Post in response to the above picture that was featured in the paper.**

I'm trying to understand what possible motivation you may have had for publishing that vile cartoon depicting the shooting of the chimpanzee that went crazy. I guess you thought it would be funny to suggest that whomever was responsible for writing the Economic Recovery legislation must have the intelligence and judgment of a deranged, violent chimpanzee, and should be shot to protect the larger community.Really? Did it occur to you that this suggestion would imply a connection between President Barack Obama and the deranged chimpanzee? Did it occur to you that our President has been receiving death threats since early in his candidacy? Did it occur to you that blacks have historically been compared to various apes as a way of racist insult and mockery? Did you intend to invoke these painful themes when you printed the cartoon?If that's not what you intended, then it was stupid and willfully ignorant of you not to connect these easily connectible dots. If it is what you intended, then you obviously wanted to be grossly provocative, racist and offensive to the sensibilities of most reasonable Americans. Either way, you should not have printed this cartoon, and the fact that you did is truly reprehensible. I can't imagine what possible justification you have for this. I've read your lame statement in response to the outrage you provoked. Shame on you for dodging the real issue and then using the letter as an opportunity to attack Rev. Sharpton. This is not about Rev. Sharpton. It's about the cartoon being blatantly racist and offensive.I believe in freedom of speech, and you have every right to print what you want. But freedom of speech still comes with responsibilities and consequences. You are responsible for printing this cartoon, and I hope you experience some real consequences for it. I'm personally boycotting your paper and won't do any interviews with any of your reporters, and I encourage all of my colleagues in the entertainment business to do so as well. I implore your advertisers to seriously reconsider their business relationships with you as well.You should print an apology in your paper acknowledging that this cartoon was ignorant, offensive and racist and should not have been printed.I'm well aware of our country's history of racism and violence, but I truly believe we are better than this filth. As we attempt to rise above our difficult past and look toward a better future, we don't need the New York Post to resurrect the images of Jim Crow to deride the new administration and put black folks in our place. Please feel free to criticize and honestly evaluate our new President, but do so without the incendiary images and rhetoric.

Sincerely,

John Legend

Couldn't have said it better myself

Cautiously Optimistic

2009-02-23T10:56:00.005-05:00

That's how I feel in regards to my current ::dare I say it:: "relationship".... cautiously optimistic. For some reason I feel like I'm waiting on ish to hit the fan with SD.

He can sense the way I'm feeling, cause last night we went out for dinner, and he told me. I really don't have any specific reason to feel this way either, so I don't know where its coming from.... let me stop lying, yes I do.

Its part of my luggage, i mean baggage that I carry around. When I was with B* I was always walking on egg shells expecting some kinda drama, and he always came through with it. So now its hard for me not to expect some ish to pop off sooner or later.

I got issues, I know this. I'm working on them though, and honestly SD is the almost perfect person to help me ::the baby moms makes it almost:: Whether he knows it or not, he really is teaching me how to trust, and not worry again. He is teaching me how to be in a completely open and honest relationship, were we really do communicate with one another... who knew that was even possible! He makes me want to let my guard down... but im not ready for that yet. Just the thought makes me nervous. I mean really will I ever let my guard down completely?? Maybe in due time.

Ziggy gots to get it together, and stop expecting the worst. Progress is a slow process.

Side bar- I just looked at my calendar ::I write everything I do in my calendar.. everything:: and realized since Febuary 7,2009 I have not gotten a full 8hrs of sleep. If failed to mention that SD is like the energizer bunny, he is non stop when it comes to life. He is all about making moves, and being productive NO MATTER WHAT TIME OF DAY IT IS and being that we spend most our free time together, im becoming a zombie.... this has to be bad for my health.. has to.

P.S. I promise every post WILL NOT be about SD and I, but right now its the most time consuming thing goin on in my life =)

Dag Im Sleepy!

2009-02-19T14:38:00.011-05:00

I don't know if its cause I just ate a good ol fish sandwich from Show mars @ lunch or what, but for some reason I am extremely tired.

I figured I better do something other than the real work I'm supposed to be doing to wake me up, and blogging is the perfect solution =)

It doesn't help that I just got off the phone with a man who had the most soothing voice. It wasn't too deep or too high, the pitch was just right, and so pleasant. Man! I don't even remember what he was talking about cause it just sounded like a bedtime story to me. I got so caught up that I actually closed my eyes while I listened to him talk lol, I'm trippin!

Any wayz, I got a small issue with SD. Yep, just that fast. Here's the deal:
Okay so he's a single parent raising his daughter. Yesterday we were texting ::which I don't really like doing:: he was telling me he was having a hard day, and wanted to see me later. I agreed and told him to call me when he got settled @ home and I would come by. Sooooo he calls me around 9pm'ish and says that his baby moms called and wanted to stop by the house to see their daughter. I decided to wait until the baby moms left before I came over b/c I didn't want to deal with that uncomfortable situation ::yet:: I get to his house around 10pm'ish and we are talking, chillin, shootin tha breeze and what not, so I ask how was the visit with the baby moms. He says that he told her about him and I. I was fine with that, but here's where the issue comes up. Now all of a sudden she wants to work it out b/w the two of them ::screw face:: what. tha. eff??

I asked him what he thought about it ::tryin to probe his mind:: and he tells me there is no possibility of them getting back together, and he advised her of this....

Now I'm feeling some kinda way about her. I've never met the girl, and I know that they are no longer together, because every free moment outside of work he has is spent with me ::which I'm still getting used to:: Another thing that is very weird is our first names are all most the exact same! And I have a very VERY unique ::not ghetto, but truly unique:: name. For example if my first name was Ziggy, hers would be Zigg... craziness!!! I just have this feeling that she's gonna be trouble.... yea I can feel it. Not that I don't trust SD, I just don't trust his baby mom's. I'm a female, and I know how we do. I know its difficult for her to accept the fact that he has actually moved on, and no longer wants to be with her, truly I feel her pain...I do BUT I. Am. Not. The. One. I told SD how I feel about about the situation, because in the beginning we agreed to keep it 100 wit each other, no matter what. He assured me that I had nothing to worry about so we shall see...

If things dont work out between SD and I im assuming it will happen soon, cause the Two Week Notice mark is approaching.... quickly ::this saturday to be exact::

Yea, About That...

2009-02-18T12:32:00.007-05:00

Okay so I came clean and told that I did :: and still am doing:: "IT". I read one of my old post, and seems like I was talking to myself, for the future. Here's the part that I said that sticks out to me...

"The thing I try to remind myself is that there is no in between when it comes to right and wrong, its either or. Either I'm gonna gossip, or I'm not. Either I'm gonna curse my coworkers out, or I'm not. Either I'm gonna run that red light, or I'm not. Either I'm gonna have sex, or I'm not. That it, there is no grey area! And the key is when you know better you are supposed to do better, and I know that I know better"

So now its time to really talk about it.

I feel.... some kinda way about what I'm doing. I know it's wrong, that's not even a question, but I feel like its right, if that makes sense.

I know that God doesn't have a point system for sins, so me having sex is just as bad as me telling a lie, which is also just as bad as me killing someone, which makes it seem worse! See how my mind just goes all out?? I've kinda been ignoring my thoughts, and feeling because I don't want to deal with them right now. I told y'all before that's how I handle things when they become too much... ignore, avoid, ignore, bad habit.

Maybe if things were not going so well between myself and SD it would be easier to stop, but everything is just the way I want it, and sex just makes it so much better. Its like when your having the best day ever, then right when you think the day couldn't get any better you find... lets say.... a $50 bill in your back pocket that you left there 8 months ago. That's what it like right now.

I'm not really a believer of living every day as if it were your last and all that, but sometimes I just really want to be young, not so serious, and have enjoy things for what they are... ya know?

Don't know what the repercussions of my actions will be ::and I'm sure there will be some:: but right now I'm just going with the flow. Him and I have an understanding of each other. Nothing about our ::dare I say it:: "relationship" is fake or phony, cause I all ready knew the real him. Its just nice to truly be happy with someone =)

I don't want to seem hypocritical. I just ask that y'all remember that I too am an imperfect human being.

P.S. Blogger is no longer blocked @ the j-o-b so I can comment on others blogs again, YAY!!

P.S.S Remember dude that says hes gonna kill my brother?? Yea, he gets out of federal prison today.. Let the games begin

Im A Fan

2009-02-18T11:38:00.004-05:00

of Ryan Leslie.

While BSing around when I was supposed to be working I ran across his video for his current single 'How It Was Supposed To Be'. I don't normally like music videos but I enjoyed this one, it's like a short film.

Check It Out

I Did "IT"

2009-02-16T08:13:00.004-05:00

Soooooo if you glance over to the right side bar you will notice that the celibacy counter has been taken down.

266 DAYS= 8 MONTHS, AND 21 DAYS

That's how long I lasted this second go round of celibacy.... at least I beat my other record!

I cant even lie, that 'ish was bomb.

Valentine's day was the ::first:: day it happened. I just couldn't resist cupids arrow. And I went crazy y'all. I mean I PUT IT DOWN, if I must say so myself. I've spent the whole weekend with SD, and we got it on every chance we got. You would think that because I've been celibate for so long I would have forgotten what to do, but actually I think I was better at it because of my abstinence. I shed all my inhibitions, I was buck a$$ wild, and I luved it! Of course protection was used so there will be no little Ziggy's runnin around anytime soon.

That's all I'm willing to divulge for now, lata peeps!

Am I My Brother's Keeper?

2009-02-10T11:34:00.007-05:00

My brother.... where do I begin.

My 27yr old brother and I used to be real tight growing up. Until he went to the army, got married, got divorced, had a baby, went to Iraq, got engaged, went to Korea, failed a drug test (positive for reefa), got kicked out the Army, became a very depressed unhappy person, ended his engagement, moved back home, and became a bum.

For some reason I used to feel like I was responsible for him, as though he was my child. But that ended the night he chin checked me, and by chin check I mean he tried to to whoop my ass ::long story::

Ever since that night, I never looked at him the same. Mainly because I never ever thought in a million years that my big brother would seriously try and fight me.

I had heard from one of his friends that reefa ain't the only thing he's doin. His girlfriend, who just had his baby pretty much confirmed it too.

It hurts to see my brother the way he is, cause he is seriously headed for self destruction.

This is one reason why I'm so serious about my beliefs. I know the only reason my brother is still alive and able is because of God's grace. There is no way that he is still here because of anybody else doing.

Yesterday I went by my moms house, and saw my brothers girlfriend sitting on the sofa crying. Honestly, I felt nothing when I saw this.

My mother asked me to sit down and told me what was goin on.
My brothers girlfriends other baby daddy ::dang that really sounds ghetto!:: who will be released from prison on 2/18/09 has threatened to kill my brother. Allegedly he and my brother all ready had beef before he went to prison, and when he found out about my brother dating his baby moms, that was it for him. So he has written this threatening letter to my brother about how he is gonna get his and what not. Wanna see this dude, and his charges?? Have A Look. It's public record, just click on any one of the arrest to view the charges. My mother suggested that my brother make a police report......... whateva. I suggested that his girlfriend be a women about it, and put that dude in his place. She needs to let that nigga know what it is, and quit being all scary, and timid. She didn't like what I said, but its how I felt. She comes over my mothers house crying and ish like moms is gonna have some magic solution. Forget that, this is her drama, so she needs to quit acting like a punk and handle it. Of course I also suggested prayer, and guidance cause there really is nothing that anybody outside of that situation can do to solve it.

I just ask y'all to pray on this for me. I'm not sure how this is gonna pan out, but knowing my brother it's not going to be pretty.

Im In Like

2009-02-09T10:20:00.006-05:00

Hoodwinked into goin on a date this past Saturday.

Here's how it happened.

I had mentioned in earlier post that my BFF has a new boyfriend, come to find out I know just about all his homeboys ::go figure:: So one guy, who we will call SD ( super dad, ill explain later in the post), had told me that a bunch of people from back in the day were goin to go bowling on Saturday, and invited me to come. I was like okay cool, it will be good to see some of my old friends. Saturday comes and he was like everybody was gonna meet at his house first, then head to the bowling alley. So I get to his house and everybody is coupled up. Yea, it was a bunch of people that I hadn't seen in a while, but this was like a group date thing. That's when I knew I was tricked! I played along tho' cause SD is good people, I knew he always had a lil crush on me, and the feeling was mutual.

I had a really good time too. We went to this hood bowling alley. It was about 15 police officers out there just securing the premises. We had to get wanded and patted down before we entered. Then they checked your ID, and if you were 21 and up you got a wrist band so you could buy liq. Myself and one of the other guys girlfriend went to the bar, and waited like 30mins to get a drink b/c they only had 1 lady working that night. She was moving extra slow cause she was mad they put her behind the bar by herself. I felt like I was at the club. Police wasn't up on it like they should have been tho, cause I definitely had a blade in my purse that they did not catch ::its the g in me, that I'm tryin to shake::

SD and I caught up, laughed while reminiscing on old times, and just enjoyed each others company. I had all ready known he had a daughter a short while after high school, but I didn't know that he was a single parent. By single parent I mean he is the primary care provider for his child, like she lives with him and everything.

I just did a post a week or so ago about single mothers, and all that good stuff, but honestly I never really thought about the struggles a single father must go through. Especially a single father raising a daughter! God works that way, just when you think you know it all he proves you wrong.

Any wayz the point of this post is I am diggin SD. He's cool, I all ready know him, and he's got his ish together. That fact that he is a single father somehow intrigues me, but also makes me a lil hesitant. I don't really know how to approach this situation. I met his daughter last night, and she is the cutest lil chunky thing ever, very talkative, and protective of her dad. She reminded me of myself when I was younger hanging out with my father. I always wanted his attention more than ever when there was a girlfriend around.

I haven't really gotten down to the nitty gritty of the reason why his baby mother is M.I.A. but I do wonder what happened. It just always seems so odd to me when mothers ditch their children, its like she's a dead beat mother?

Well here I go ONCE AGAIN go on the road to who knows where...

Therapy.

2009-02-06T10:46:00.008-05:00

That's what this blog is for me, sometimes.

Often I just sit back and listen to people talk without saying a word. Not because I have nothing to say, but the complete opposite. I have so much to say... I don't know where to start, so I say nothing....... until I get my thoughts together.

Growing up I was never "spoiled" by my mother. I never came home to surprises, or I never got an unexpected thrill just because. The only time I got something out of the blue was if my father got it for me, or if my mother brought something that would not only benefit me, but her too. She had the money, she just didn't have the desire.

My mother and I have a very........ peculiar relationship, its a good relationship but its not your average mother daughter relationship. Now that I am older, and wiser I understand why.

See my mother never had a mother growing up. Her mother (my grandmother) gave her to my grandfathers family to raise when she was about 5, my mother didn't see her again until the age of 18. She is the oldest, and only one out of four that my grandmother gave up. So she was raised by my grandfather, and his mother (my great grand mother). My grandmothers reason for giving up her oldest daughter to a whole different side of her family "She could afford to raise her".

As we know we are all a product of our environment (to some extent), so when my mother started having children at the age of 15, she had no idea how to be a "mother" because she never had a mother of her own to teach her.

Being the sassy stubborn bull headed Taurus that she is, she wasn't looking for anybody to show her the ropes either.

Unfortunately, myself and my sibling suffered because of her lack of general "motherly" knowledge that most females have.

Now I can make sense of who my mother is, and why she is, but growing up... I thought my mother was crazy, and I couldn't understand for the life of me why she wasn't like all the other moms!

I still struggle with getting over a lot of things that I had to endure during my childhood. God is working on me, and honestly some of that stuff is the hardest stuff to let go. I hold no grudge, and I see how my life experiences, and my relationship with God allow me to see things in other people that no one else notices.

I am often told by my elders "You've been here before girl, your too wise for just 22 yrs of life". I just smile, and think... if they only knew!

Being a true Christian puts you in a whole 'nother place. I don't get a free pass to be young and dumb, because I've all ready grown past that. I don't get to use ignorance as an excuse, because I know that it is not acceptable. I cant ignore issues, and situations that most do, because it is my responsibility to address them.

Sometimes I wonder why God has chosen me to be the way I am. A young ::cute:: african american christian women who is truly trying my hardest to live to please him in a corrupt world that encourages the direct opposite of most things I stand for.

It's A Big Deal On Facebook

2009-02-05T10:00:00.007-05:00

Okay so I was tagged on Facebook (yep I have one too), and figured I would share.... 25 Random'ish Facts about Moi!

I heart Idris Elba
Fav entertainer of all time is Michael it.dont.matter.if.im.blk.or.wht Jackson. I know just about all his songs, and I know the dance routine to Bad.
A good percentage of my family lives in Jamaica, and/or England.
I don't think there is anything sexier than a man that reads leisurely.
I still look up to my big sister just like I did when I was a snotty nosed kid in Brooklyn.
Speaking of Brooklyn, that's my home town, I don't talk about it much, but I miss it.... like crazy.
I freestyle on occasion. Only a select few have experienced my flow (lol!) but I got skills.
I used to be a heavy smoker, picked up that habit right before I left for college. Thank God that is no longer apart me!
I make a conscious effort not to judge people based on their appearance.
I have a hard time accepting the fact that there are actually other people in the world with my first name ::y'all don't know my real first name here on blogger, but I highly doubt you have ever heard it before::
I'm a really silly person, my fav hobby is laughing.
I am utterly disgusted with anybodies feet, but my own.
I think McDonald's commercials are racially offensive. I stopped eating there for one whole year because of this.... I gave up cause couldn't resist those apple pies!
I am a black panther at heart.
I don't like texting or talking on the phone. I would rather communicate face to face.
Vain people really REALLY annoy me.
I admire those who volunteer in church, and/or the community. Says a lot about a persons character.
#17 is why I choose to volunteer with Big Brothers Big Sisters of America, and be a youth mentor at my church.
I have a hard time conversing with people when they have dry/chapped lips. I just looks so uncomfortable!
I cant stand it when people complain, with no rational resolution to the problem.
This recession has humbled me.
I refuse to have children until I'm married, and when I do marry I want lots!
I have a soft spot for any victim of any kind of abuse.
I get excited the night before I know I get to sleep in late.
Building my relationship with God is the single most important, fulfilling, truthful experience of my life.

This is oh so random, and has nothing to do with this post, but did y'all know that Barack Obama smokes cigarettes! Lol for some reason this was sooo funny to me when I found out.

Pause The Music to the Right, This is a Code 10.

2009-01-31T16:10:00.006-05:00

I caught this commercial last night while watching BET of course. I just had to share.... I present to you... Mo' Money Taxes.

Please believe this is a REAL commercial, for a REAL company... my people my people!

Non Believers

2009-01-29T08:39:00.004-05:00

In an earlier post I mentioned that I was reading Sista Souljahs new book titled Midnight.
The main character of the book is a young boy named Midnight. He is abruptly moved from his home Sudan Africa where his Muslim beliefs are shared by everyone, to the ghetto of Brooklyn, NY where religion is the last thing discussed. At the a very young age, he learns to use his beliefs to make it, and protect his mother, and younger sister. He also uses his belief in God (or Allah) to make decisions regarding his sexuality.

I was very impressed with this book, it is a very good read. Click here to read the book in full.

There was one part of the book that really caught my attention. It was the discussion of the three types of people we reside with here in this earth.

Non Believers
Make Believers
True Believers

You see everyone fits in one of those categories, and there is no in between. There are the non believers who blatantly and arrogantly dismiss God. The make believers who pretend they know God, but when its time for battle they back down. And there are the true believers, who know without a doubt that God the alpha and the omega sent his only son Jesus Christ to die for our sins.

Non believers are lost souls. They have no limits, no boundaries, and no expectations for themselves or others. Non believers have no chance at real love, real family, or real life.

Make believers pretend they believe. They lure people with their false pretense and trappings. They make believe they are Muslims, Christians, Jews, or any other faith. They make believe they are strong. They make believe they are capable of love. They make believe they are protecting you. They make believe they are real men/women.

True believers are the truth. God works through them in ways you could never imagine. True believers know that they could never fully understand or comprehend the works of God, because his power, and love is far to strong for the human mind to understand. True believers don't judge, or discourage. True believes know its never to late for anyone.

Most importantly true believers are imperfect human beings, just like the make believers, and non believers. The only difference is they know and recognize whose in control of it all.

I have a hard time understanding how someone could deny God so vehemently. Last night I prayed, and I shed tears for all those non believers, and make believers out here in the world. I shed tears because I started feeling anger and a strong dislike for those people, and I know it was wrong. I asked God to teach me how to deal with those type of people correctly when I am confronted and challenged by them.

Being that I have prayed and asked for a lesson... I'm sure another challenger is on the way, but I'm suited up with my armor, so I'm ready for this spiritual warfare.

Mark 16:16 "Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned."

Matthew 10:33 ""But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven."

Truth hurts sometimes, dont it?

Dont.Push.Me

2009-01-28T14:21:00.004-05:00

Cause. I'm. Close. To. Tha eddggge.

Lately I have been getting really aggravated with random people/things the past couple days or so....

I would go into further detail but I don't feel like it cause its just gonna further aggravate me... ya know?

I'm not the typical "I always have an attitude" type of person either. I'm normally really chipper... well not REALLY REALLY chipper, but I am friendly, and easy goin... most times.

I think it's cause lately I have been faced with some really stupid, and unnecessarily dumb situations. You know that kind of stuff that makes you scrunch your face up while you mumble "what the eff"... yea that kinda stuff.

Any ol who, I'm pushing along. And on another note church service was off the chaizzaain this past Sunday. I go to a United Methodist church, which is typically very reserved and organized, but on Sunday January 25th God had another agenda. We were actin like straight up baptist in there! We had the shout music goin and everything, people getting carried out by the ushers, arms wailing all over the place, people shouting, and speaking in tongues all the while I was praying the foundation of the sanctuary floor was strong enough to support all the people jumping up and down. It was great, I tell ya when the holy spirit wants to move... IT MOVES! Just thinking about church puts a smile on my face. This one young girl, I mean really young, about 8yrs old made the decision on her own to give her life to Christ. It was so beautiful, and I was so proud of her.

I was also amazed at how truly serious she was about it. I mean she came to the alter in tears, almost unable to stand up straight wanting to give her life to Christ. There's no telling what she has been through in her 8yrs of life here on this earth, but clearly God has shown himself to her.

Just goes to show your never to young, or old to get our life right.

You Know You Were Raised in 80/90's if...

2009-01-26T09:59:00.003-05:00

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE ".
You watched the Pound Puppies.
You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair "
You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.
You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
You owned those lil Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
You know that "WOAH " comes from Joey on Blossom.
Two words: M.C. Hammer (What about... Vanilla Ice??)
If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock "
You had plastic streamers on your handle bars.
You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales".
When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons. (or just Saved by the Bell)
You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles " on the big screen.
You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
You played the game "MASH " (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
You wore Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it.
L.A. Gear....need I say more
You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing " and all the Ramona books.
You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF "
You wanted to be a Goonie.
You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (OK, but that's coming back in for a strange bizarre reason)
You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off
You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
You took Lunch Pails to school.
You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
You still get the urge to! say "NOT" after every sentence.
You remember Hypercolor or cross colors t-shirts.
Nintendo is the best game system ever and still is!!! (Who use to go to up to the TV screen with the gun for Duck Hunt)!!!
You thought Sheera and He-Man should hook up.
You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged friendship bracelets.
You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes. And if u still do that is a shame!!!!
After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I? "
You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
You remember going to the skating rink before there were in-line skates.
You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide. A dry slide is not cool...lol
You have ever played with a Skip-It.
You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds
You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
You remember stone washed jeans (like AC Slater from Saved by the Bell).
You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks
You wore socks scrunched down.
"Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK"
You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.
You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies. (gizmo)
You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"
You remember watching Transformers, JI Joe, Dukes of Hazard..
If you remember Blossom hats with the velvet flower and sun dresses over a fitted shirt with a jeans jacket over it
If you remember the original Power Rangers
Duck duck goose, and the 7-up game in class!
If you did the pee-wee herman, the snake, roger rabbit, the wop or the run joe
You wore fat shoe laces in your sneakers like Run-Dmc and wore your socks pulled up to your knee caps
You had to change into your play shoes before you went outside
If you had a candy lady that sold candy for a penny or kool aid frozen in a cup
Double douch with all your childhood girls
Had a crush on one of the guys from New Edition or The Boyz
You played the game clue, hungry hippo, sorry, uno, monoply and thought you was really rich, the game life or super mario on nintendo and jumped on the mushrooms and went down the tunnels to gather coins, oh and dont forget CANDYLAND!
Watch the Bill Cosby show and a Different World
If you remember Reading Rainbow and Mister Rodgers "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!"
If you played the "Rockin Robin" hand game with 4 people.

lm"b"o is anything missing??

No Title Here

2009-01-23T14:53:00.015-05:00

** Okay so I was sitting here at the j-o-b, bored, thinking, and I started writing... heres the result**

I looked to the right no one was there, so I glanced to my left expecting something different, but my results were the exact same. Dang!

I looked down, just my shadow glaring back up at me like "Uhh can I help you?"

I looked straight ahead of me hoping to see a rainbow at the end of the tunnel, but nope... just a wall blocking me from seeing what was to come. Man I wish I could see thru that wall!

So I turned my head to look behind me expecting the steps I previously took to somehow guide me, but my neck only allows my head to turn but so far. I'm no owl

I give up

I stand in that same spot I been standing in for so long now, and I close my eyes.

I throw my head back exhausted from my immobile search, and try to think up a master plan to find it

It's nothing but darkness behind my lids

Not scary darkness, just plain ol peaceful darkness

That's not what I'm looking for tho

I wreck my brain searching, but I come up with nothing

I wreck my heart searching... somethings there I can feel it

So I just stand in the same position, head back, eyes closed...

Thought flashes thru my mind "Cant find what your looking for with your eyes closed homie"

True True

I open my eyes, head still tilted back and to my surprise there it is, not exactly what I was looking for, but the beginning of it

Thanks to the light that was above me the whole time, now I can see it

I looked every direction I thought possible.... but for some reason.... I forgot to look up

Shame on me.

So yea, not sure where it came from, but when I read it, it makes so much sense to me

Badge Of Honor

2009-01-23T08:30:00.010-05:00

**BTW- The j-o-b has officially blocked all blog pages, but I still have access to blogger.com, so I cant comment on anyone page or view anyone post.... until then....**

Sooooooo last night I was watching Dr. Phil, the topic of the show was "Hope vs Reality". He had Fox news radio host Alan Colmes, former White House press secretary Scott McClellen ::you know.... dude that exposed Bush in his book "What Happened":: and controversial TV commentator Ann Coulter ::She has a book too "Guilty":: The main purpose of the show was to discuss what needs to be done now that Barack is officially the president, but what caught my attention was what was said by Ann Coulter at the end of the show

Dr Phil asked her about a comment she made in her book he said...

"You say on children of divorce, 'or as I call them, future strippers …’ What do you mean by that"

Ann's response (shortened)

"The glamorization of single motherhood, how it’s promoted through the courts, through the government and through Hollywood and glossy magazines, marriage is debased in America, and this is creating real victims "

The whole show I don't think I agreed with anything she said until this. It's so true, and its something that's been on my mind for a while now.

Fantastic Fantasia said it herself "Now-a-days it's like a badge of honor to be a baby mama". See me myself I was raised to think as long as I made it through high school with out getting 'knocked up' it was all good. I remember back my middle school days, it was unheard of for anybody, even Shaquanisha, to come up pregnant. Now?? Its the norm to see lil girls with pregnant bellies. When and why did this become acceptable?

Let's keep it funky, if Barack or Michelle had children outside of their marriage, would you look at them the same?? Would Barack still be the "black Jesus" that he is?? Would Michelle still be the same if she had a baby daddy on the side?? Would Barack be respected?? Even more, do you think he would have won??

I want to make it known that I am not putting down any single mothers out there, cause some of the strongest women I know are, or have been single mothers at some point. Shoot, my own mother was a "baby mama". I'm just saying, its getting ridiculous. Its getting out of control, and I feel that some females have babies out of wedlock for selfish reasons. One of my friends said she had her son at the age of 19 because she didn't want to be an "Old Mommy". That's what I'm talking about.

Last year I had a conversation with a women who had just moved to the US not even a year ago, she started talking about the difference between black women in US and black women in Africa. Here is what she had to say:

In most parts of Africa, the motherland, just having sex without the commitment of marriage is unacceptable, but to have a child out of wedlock... the women is considered ruined, and the punishment is severe. She may be isolated by her parents, family, and friends for bringing shame to the people who raised, guided, loved, and provided for her. There are whores in Africa, but they know their place, and they are not arrogant like the ones here in the States. See in Africa we live by the will of God, not the will of man, flesh, or society. Everyone recognizes the worth of a women. They understand how sacred, and powerful a women really is. The women are respected, protected, and provided for. They live proud, and at peace.

Some may not agree with my opinions, and that's fine, I just wish more women understood the value of their vajay jay's, and recognized that it takes more to being a mother than just giving birth.

The young lady that inspired this post

It Was All A Dream

2009-01-19T15:35:00.008-05:00

What better birthday present than to have your Dream Come True?

I Ain't Wit It

2009-01-16T09:02:00.003-05:00

Cold weather is not for me! I told yall, I got that Jamaican blood runnin thru my veins, and it dont like cold. The above pic is the temperature reader in my car.... it was 16 degrees on my way to work this morning!!! What the heck!!!! I wanted to go see Notorious tonight, but they talkin bout its goin to be between 1 and 7 degrees.... aint no way im stepping out in that type of cold.... aint no way.

Miscellaneous Part Deux

2009-01-14T15:46:00.011-05:00

Clearly all the new responsibility at the work place has been cutting into my blogging time :: they still suck big time for that $0.15 raise :: I'm so mentally drained I really don't have much to talk about here, but I just feel the need to type something. I always come back like cooked crack.
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Here's a couple frivolous facts about yours truly:
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Guess what y'all....... I have an 'e'crush lol! Its so funny for me to even fancy the idea of an 'e' crush, but I have one.
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I wont reveal who the lucky fella is, but just know that shawty is the ish.... mentally at least. I don't know what he looks like cause guy has chosen to remain anonymous. He's just like me! Honestly I don't want to know what he looks like, cause he might not look like what I would imagine, and I don't want my bubble to be busted yet.
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On another note, I tried to write a poem the other day... it was dissatisfactory, so I crumbled it up and threw it away..... I'm not a poet, but Ive always wanted to be featured on def poetry jam.
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I often make attempts at free styling over the original artist while listening to the radio. Sometimes my flo be tight.... but most times it's not ;/ I really do feel like if I got a good beat, and took my time I could come up with some hot ish tho. IDK, maybe one day.
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If I was a rapper I would want to be like the female version of Andre 3000. I luv his rap style, its outta this world. Then I would remake Roc the Mic or Flipside. Those type of beats always make me wish I could just go off the top of my dome.
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Yesterday I realized I have a fear of switching lanes while driving. I'm not sure if there is a name for that, but I have it. I always feel like right when I turn to look over my shoulder ::making sure no one is in my blind spot:: that in that split second, I'm gonna miss something goin on in front of me..... its weird i know.
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Ever since I started paying attention to the simple things in life, Ive become amazed with architecture.
.

Worlds Tallest Wooden House///// Spaceship? Nah! It's Palacio de las Artes - Palace of the Arts

The 'Pod' House in Rochester, New York////McBride’s Dome House in Hawthorn, Australia

Thin House in London //////////// Dancing House in Prague, Czech Republic

Crazy House in Dalat, Vietnam////////The Basket Building in Newark, Ohio

And lastly I think im a sex addict although I'm celibate... but that's a whole nother post!

So yea... this is me lately =)

Muh' Nerves Is Bad

2009-01-07T15:35:00.011-05:00

The brown peanut looking thing is me, and the computer is my place of employment. I am so pissed with them right now! Before I start this tirade let me say,

Happy New Year, welcome to 2009!!

Okay enough of that now back to me.

Let me explain where all this frustration is coming from. It all started when I got hired back in September 2008 ::feels weird saying that, like 2008 was a long time ago!:: Originally I felt the pay I was offered was insufficient, but all my elders said I should take the job anyway being that it is one of those quote unquote "Good uncle sam Jobs". So around November my supervisor told the new hires ::people that started when I did:: that we would be getting a raise in January. Everyone was really excited, so we didn't mind all the extra work that was being placed upon us.... cause we knew we were getting that good ol raise to start the new year off right ::insert sarcasm, and eyeroll here:: So upon returning to work after my very enjoyable break, it felt good to know that my next paycheck would include my quote unquote "pay raise". As I was filtering through my emails I noticed one from a supervisor titled "Pay Raise Info"so I open the message it says "Please see attached info regarding pay raise amounts" The anticipation is now building so quickly open the attachment skim through until I hit this part"...increase is $0.15 per hour..." yea you read right, no need to adjust your screens it didnt say $15.00, it clearly read $0.15. I let out a very large sigh and keep on with the day. Yes I was disappointed, as were my coworkers, but I let it go. Then today I come into work and learn that we have a training later in the day. My mind is thinking, well maybe they need to revise some information, cant be anything major. Little to my surprise there was a trapper keeper full of new information ::aka another job function that was not in the description when I was hired:: waiting for each and every person in the training class. WTF!!! Are they serious??? was my initial reaction. As the trainer continued on and on for about a whole hour everything she said went in one ear and out the other. All I kept thinking was "....$0.15, they really expect me to have a good employee moral for fifteen effin cent!!!"I just keep getting madder and madder and madder and I think I had a Carrie ::the horror movie:: moment cause all of a sudden the power in the whole building went out! No lie, it was like my blood started boiling thinking about how my coworkers and myself had been bamboozled and right before I was about to explode.... the power went out computers, phones, lights, everything.

Since the power went out we could no longer continue our training ::YES!! I used my special Carrie powers that I never knew I had to end this horrendous training:: it was almost my lunch anyway so I just stood outside to get some fresh air and compose myself. Once I got some food in my system, and fresh oxygen in my lungs I was good. I prayed about it,and realized that I need not worry, trouble dont last always as the old folks say.

Thank God I'm going back to school in August, I don't know if I could deal with this the rest of my life!

To Be Or Not To Be

2008-12-30T09:33:00.013-05:00

Single..... that is the question of course!

Lately I have been dealing with this battle between my mind and my body. Its like my mind wants to be single, but my body doesn't. Make sense?? See my body keeps wanting that three letter word, but my mind is like don't do it! I'm the kind of girl that cant really enjoy myself (sexually) with a person if I am not in a relationship with them. I know many people that are just fine with their booty calls, but that's just not me. I tried it once before, and it didn't work, because I started getting emotionally attached. This is one of the reasons why I made the decision to become celibate.

Honestly, I enjoy life better when I am not in a relationship... for right now at least. I don't have to worry about answering to anyone in particular. I can associate with whoever I want to without worrying about pissing somebody off. I'm less stressed out. I can just do me with no worries! Beyonce sang about all the stresses of being in a meaningless 'relationship' in her upbeat booty shakin 'Single Ladies'. Just recite the first verse to yourself..... ill wait..... now who wants to deal with all that drama, not me! I'm just tired of wasting my valuable time with people that have no relevance to my future... ya know? Its like this. The next guy that I call my boyfriend will more than likely be the man I end up marrying. Simply because I refuse to settle just to settle. I know a lot of females that do this, and the end result is never a good one. When I pray I ask God to surround me with people that genuinely care for me, and want the best for me, and because I have faith I trust that my skill in discerning is right where it needs to be I know when the man God has for me finds me.... I will recognize him.

I also know that because I am so adamant about remaining celibate until I'm married Satan is really trying to find a way to mess me up. That dang Satan!!!! I don't judge anyone that chooses to have sex before marriage cause hey.... earlier this year that was me, but I just know that when its all said and done the only being that has a heaven or hell to put me in is God, so I want to make sure I live according to his/her word the best way I know how. I don't believe in living everyday like its your last.... cause what happens when tomorrow rolls around? There will be consequences, and repercussions homie! The thing I try to remind myself is that there is no in between when it comes to right and wrong, its either or. Either I'm gonna gossip, or I'm not. Either I'm gonna curse my coworkers out, or I'm not. Either I'm gonna run that red light, or I'm not. Either I'm gonna have sex, or I'm not. That it, there is no grey area! And the key is when you know better you are supposed to do better, and I know that I know better. Like I said before ain't nothing blissful about ignorance.

Celibacy.. it sho' aint easy

Long Time No Type

2008-12-29T10:47:00.013-05:00

So this Christmas holiday was like no other, but in a good way. I have truly enjoyed myself. And not to sound like an afternoon special, but I learned the true meaning of Christmas is to spend time with loved ones, be thankful, and recognize that on that special day God sent his only son to this CRAZY CRAZY world, just so that he could die for you and I. God is good ain't he/she??

Okay so let me update you all on where I am at with Kappa.

To say the least... I'm no longer interested. He reallllyyyy got on my nerves when I chilled with him last Tuesday. 1st of all he told me that he wanted to chill on Christmas night when he returned back from spending time with his family ::out of town:: but when I was talking to him on Tuesday he said that he probably wouldn't be back in town until around 1am Friday morning, so he wanted me to come by that night before he headed out ::VERY LARGE SIGH!:: That is one of my biggest pet peeves. I hate it when people make changes that directly effect me at the last minute. I've said it before "I like to have things planned out and I like for things to go accordingly." So that was strike one! Although, I was pissed at this last minute change, I went over there anyway because I wanted to make sure I still liked him in person.... ya know? So when I arrived I noticed his very nice car in the driveway ::1 cool point:: and his very nice house ::2 cool points:: Then he opened the door and I noticed his ugly a$$ shoes- strike 2!!! Honestly y'all I don't even know how to explain them they were just UG-A-LEE ::minus 10 cool points:: So if you know math you know at this point he is in the negative.... negative 7 to be exact! Shoes say a whole lot about a man. I proceed to the living room, and he decides to stand in the kitchen turn on the bright ass living room light and stare me in my face...... this just further aggravated me, it is rude to stare at people. I asked him to stop, and he said that he couldn't help it, I was just so beautiful ::SMDH:: After about a whole two minutes of uncomfortableness, I begin to head toward the door. He apologized said he was just kidding and asked me to sit so we could watch a movie. I sat back down, he sits beside me, whips out a digital and is trying to take pics with me! Is he crazy?!?! I refused to let him snap pics with me like we go together. I firmly ask him to start the movie, he does, then he lays his head on my lap and ::against my will:: wraps my arm around his neck.... strike 3. He was doing way too much way too soon so I decided it was time to go. I told him I was getting tired and needed to head home. When I stood up his head rolled off my lap and he grabbed my ankle while says "No don't go". Yall don't know how bad I wanted to kick him in his face. I jerked my leg away and walked toward the door. He insisted on wrapping his arm around my neck as he walked me to my car.... I was so happy to get outta there! He's called/texts me since but I'm done. He wouldn't give me a chance to like him, before he started getting all crazy on me so that's the end of Kappa.

My 21yr old niece ::my oldest brothers child:: and her mother arrived from Brooklyn NY on Saturday. Its nice to have them here. I haven't seen them in about five years. The same night they arrived we had a youth meeting at my sisters house. It was basically a forum to discuss any and all issues that the youth wanted. We really did talk about everything, but at no surprise to me most of the conversation was about being a christian, and how that relates to sex and relationships. One of the high school age girls revealed that she is virgin, but wanted to know if fingering was still considered sex.... I told her that it is not sex, but fingering is the step right before sex, that's like 3rd base, so if she keeps it up it wont be long before dude hits a home run. It's only a matter of time before the 'finger' just doesn't do the job anymore.

The remainder of my Christmas break consisted of dance dance revolution (don't ask), playing with one of my nieces new Nintendo DS, A speckle of family drama (it always finds a way), many visits from family member, pictures pictures and more pictures, a waiting to exhale night with the homies (that ended up being a house party), and a spades game that nearly ended me and my cousins good relationship.

F.Y.I.

I luv buffalo bites, and dirty rice from Bojangles, they just are not hot enough for me, but once I add my hot sauce.... I'm good.

I think... no.... I Know I would be a really good actress... I mean like Kimberly Elise good.

Speaking of Kim, she doesn't get the props that she should.

My favorite singer right now is Keri Hilson. They don't give her the props she deserves either.

I think I'm the only girl that doesn't like Beyonce's song Diva, Id rather listen to Get My Bodied- Extended Version. That's my shizznit.

I used to be a Jay-Z fan, so much so that friends used to call me Hova. But for some reason, I am no longer feeling him.

I do like some of the music that Beyonces little sister Solange has like 'Champagne Chronic Nightcap'

I'm ready for it to be summer time again

I'm ready for my hair to grow back out... wish I woulda never cut it =(

When it comes to guys, I don't think I'm too picky. I just don't want to settle for less and be unhappy.

I love Jamie Foxx sense of humor

I also like to watch Dane Cook stand up shows

When I start my family, I want all boys... no girls.

I'm getting old, and I realize just how old every time someone younger than me has a birthday.

2009 has no choice but to beat 2008. 2008 was not the 'bidnez'

I was so glad that Lauren and Heidi finally talked on the season finale

This weekend one of my older cousins told me "Dating multiple people that you know you have no future with, and will end up breaking up with, is nothing but practice for divorce"

Luv the Holidays =)

Red Flag #1

2008-12-23T10:20:00.009-05:00

Insecurity killed the cat.

Or at least its about to kill this cats chances with me. So last night Kappa and I were conversating about the party that we met at. He said that he first noticed me when I was grinding on someone on the dance floor (btw I was not grinding, I'm Jamaican its in my blood to dance the way I do.... okay so maybe I was kinda grinding). He then proceeded to ask me how many people asked me for my phone number. I'm a honest person so I told him the truth....6. He then asked how many people did I actually give my number to, me being the kind hearted person that I am, I told him a lie so that his feelings would not be hurt...... 2. CLEARLY my good deed went unnoticed, because he went off on a tangent about why it was unacceptable to give my number to so many people ::???::
And as a result I was formally introduced to red flag #1---- INSECURITY.

Honestly, I'm not used to dealing with guys that are insecure. Probably because most of the guys that I have dealt with in the past were either pusha's, or playa's so they didn't have time to be insecure. But this dude here really has it goin on ..... on paper. Here are his credentials.

No Children which means no baby mama's
Bachelors Degree
Currently obtaining a Masters Degree
His own Car
His own House
Job (w/benefits & a 401K)
Single (never been married)
Straight
Attractive
Smells Nice
God Fearing

See, on paper its all good. Ive come to my own conclusion as to why he is insecure. We have not had that talk about past relationship and ish yet, so I assume that some girl somewhere that he really cared about cheated. That has to be it! Some chick cheated on him and it broke his lil' heart. His heart never fully repaired itself so now he has this theory that females are liars, and cheaters that cant be trusted. Yea that's it. Gosh, I'm good!

Exhibit B: Last night I told him I would call him back after I got out of the shower, but when we hung up one of my home girls called me. I talked to her for about a hour, fixed me something to eat, then I took my shower. As soon I got out of the shower he text me "What kinda shower you takin?" ::SMH:: This. N*gga. Is. Crazy.

I had to explain to him that I don't do well with someone keepin tabs on me. I needs my freedom!

That's one thing that is not gonna fly.

Oh yea.... the J-O-B is letting us leave early today and giving us the rest of the week off due to the holiday so I wont be back till next week. New Video @ Bottom. Merry Christmas Party Peoples!!!

It's The "G" In Me

2008-12-22T09:56:00.010-05:00

Sooooo I met this dude at the xxx-mas party. He's a Kappa so that's what I will call him. He was the one that called me the same night as the party. We have been talking all weekend, and I thought everything was cool until last night. He told me that I needed to show more of my "girly" side, he said that I act like I listen to 50 cent all day long, and I needed to open up. His exact words "You need to be more romantic, more girly, I know its in there somewhere".... ::blank stare:: Needless to say, I didn't appreciate that shit. My thoughts were "Who the eff are you to tell me that I need to open up?". I know that I can be a lil hardcore @ first, but hey don't blame me, blame all the other guys that took advantage of my girly, romantic behavior. I really don't want to be that bag lady, but its hard. Kappa told me "Obviously your used to dealing with boys, and you feel like you need to be all hard and shit, but I'm a man so you don't have to be that way with me, just let your guard down." Negro please! Babyface said it best "Babyboy don't you. Ever. Get to. Comfor-ta-bllllllleeee". He's getting a lil to cozy for my taste. Exhibit A: the text convo we just had.

Kappa: Good Morning. How r u?

Me: A lil sleepy from our late night convo, but I'm good.

Kappa: I'm a lil sleepy too, but I just ate breakfast that should help. Mondays are always hard.

**10mins later**

Kappa: Who do you bank with?

Me: Why?

Kappa: No reason, whats the name of the bank?

Me: Kappa, There is a reason you are asking the name of my bank. What is it?

Kappa: Good Grief. Calm down, I work in the bank I'm just asking.

Me: I'm Calm. Its normal to want to know why someone is asking about your bank info. Is it

not?

Kappa: No. I would understand if I said whats your account number, or how much money

you got. Who do you bank with is a simple question Madame.

**5 mins after I didn't respond**

Kappa: Soooooooo which bank do you bank with :-/

***I'm getting aggravated at this point***

Me: Its not that serious. If you work at a major bank, more than likely I have an account with them. Don't ask me no more about my bank account. Capiche?

Kappa: Lol, you wild.

Me: No, you wild for even thinking its okay to ask me about my bank account.

Kappa: LORD HAVE MERCY, I'm just tryin to get referrals women!

Me: Well.... you should have said that from the beginning

**now I'm feeling kinda stupid for going off the way I did**

Me: Your so pushy

Kappa: Your so evil

Me: you like it

Kappa: I sure do

Me: Its official your crazy, and I'm not evil.... I'm assertive.

See this is why I am single. I don't have the patience. Oddly enough I kinda like him. I like the fact that he is honest, and real. I don't like that he talks so much, and is so damn nosey! I know that this is the getting to know each other process but damn, be easy homie! Pump the brakes your goin way too fast. He wants me to spend Christmas evening with him. I told him I would, but we shall see.

Obviously I'm still the same ol "G"

XXX-Mas Party

2008-12-20T23:36:00.007-05:00

Not only is this my first post outside of my work cubicle, but I do believe this is the first post I have written on the weekend.

Okay so let me tell y'all about the coworkers xxx-mas party. It was so much fun! Only one of the girls from the 'pod' made it out there, the other one couldn't come because her boyfriend refused to watch their baby while she went out ::smh::

After work Friday (12/19) I went to my sisters house so that I could help her set up for my lil niece 1st bday party. The party was so cute, and it went well.

<--- Here she is. My niece is the cutie w/the lil princess crown on. The other lil girl was tryin to hug her, but my niece straight dissed her.

Toward the end it turned into a grown folks party. Corona's and different heats of spades games took ova. I came prepared with my change of clothes for the xxx-mas party so I got missing, showered, and changed into my party clothes. I promise I was gonna take a pic of my outfit just so I could post it, but my camera died. DANG! Anyway I wore the hunter green sweater dress that I brought last Friday, and some black mary jane stripper type heels. Couldn't find a pic of my dress, but the shoes look like this but all black.

Cute huh??

My two lil cousins (19 and 21) wanted to go with me to the party, but both of them are clearly pregnant. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, they think its okay for them to party while pregnant! I knew this was not gonna be 'that type of party' so I lied, and told them I was goin on a date. I did it for their own good. What are two young pregnant girls gonna do at a xxx-mas party??

So, I went by myself. I couldn't think of any home girls that I felt like hanging with. I knew the party was gonna be off the chain when I saw how they had the neighborhood on lock. No lie it was about 50 cars out there ::keep in mind this was a house party:: I had to park waaaaaayyyyy around the corner. After a two minute hike ::which is a long time in those heels:: I had no problem finding the house. First thing I noticed were all the men standing out in front and in the garage ::yea I'm celibate, but I can still look!:: When I made it in the house ::which was a really nice,big house:: I saw more men, a DJ, a dance floor, food, and liquor galore ::they had every kind of liquor you can think of:: I saw my coworker ::its weird when you see a coworker outside of work for the 1st time, especially in a party scene:: She had all ready been drinking so she was feeling herself ::not literally:: I figured I needed to catch up. I made this bootleg drink by mixing Malibu and sprite, you can tell I don't drink that often, but it did the job! I met about 6 different dudes, and gave 3 of them my real number ::didn't want to hurt the other 3 feelings:: I left the party around 3:00am, got home at 3:30am. Two of the three dudes with my real number text me that same morning asking if I made it in safe ::like they really cared:: and the other one called. I talked to him for about 30 mins then I had to let him go so I could get some sleep. All in all the party was a lot of fun, except for these two older dudes who thought they were the best dancers in there they kept tryin to tag team me. So right now I am baby sitting my lil niece that is pictured above while my sister attends a xxx-mas party of her own. Luckily mooka mook is sleep...for now.

By the way the host changed her mind. She didn't wear the booty shorts, and thigh boots THANK GOODNESS!

That Three Letter Word

2008-12-18T10:18:00.007-05:00

This morning on my way to work I was listening to Jamie Foxx old CD Unpredictable, one of my favs I got to be sure to cop the new one Intuition. Did y'all know he is selling that new CD at a recession price of $9.99? Well, I will prob just get mine from the bootleg man at his recession price 2 for $5.

Anyway as you guys know I'm practicing abstinence. As of today I have not had sex in 208 days, 6 months, and 25 days. Loooonnnnnggggg Time.

Lately I have really been having the urge to...... ya know, get my groove on. Listening to Lloyds Lessons In Love CD every night after work doesn't help fight the urge, but it does help me to relax.

I cant lie, I do miss IT y'all. Especially at times like these ::the holidays:: Its extremely hard, but I don't want to give in, and then be resentful that I have to start my count over again. Jamie Foxx has this song on the Unpredictable CD titled 'Three Letter Word'. I listened to that right before I came in. Big mistake.... The lyrics go a lil something like this

[Verse:]
I'm startin to believe
Somethings wrong wit me
Cause everyday, every night, every hour, every minute
I'm thinkin bout it
I can be at my job, in my car, up in church
And when I try to pray it off, it won't work
It seems that I cant get enough of

[Chorus:]
(Sex) All the time
(Sex) On my mind
(Sex) Everywhere I go
(Sex) I'm tryna let you know
(Sex) It's stronger than any drug even love S-E-X ohhheee
(Sex) Can make you crazy
(Sex) Can make a baby
(Sex) All night long
(Sex) It's the perfect song
(Sex) Stronger than any drug even love S-E-X oh

My Fav line from this song
I aint proud of it, cause it's getting in the way of love for me, And I cant help it, cant shake it (You know what) Sometimes I hear it calling me

Dear Mr.Reefa,

2008-12-17T17:37:00.007-05:00

**This is a trend I have noticed in the blogger community where you write a letter to a person, or thing that will probably never read it, so I figured I would follow suit.... here goes***
Dear Mr.Reefa,
Thanks to you I was THIS close to becoming a crack head. I first met you when my brother introduced us. I don't really remember our first date cause I kindly dissed you. The next time we ran into each other I was a freshman in college. Boy oh boy I no idea we would bond the way we did. I'm not sure if it was all the new freedom I had, but I felt like you showed me the world through new eyes. I remember I couldn't enjoy myself unless you were there too. I was never ashamed of you, because most of my friends enjoyed your company as well. The more time we spent together the more you persuaded me to do some crazy things. Like remember when you had me thinking it was okay to ride with strangers to unfamiliar locations just so I could experience your joy? Remember when you used to have me standing outside at like 3am laughing with friends? Or the many conversations I had with people about how you made me smarter, instead of dumber. I even remember you use to have me stuff myself with all kinds of food, to the point were I was almost sick! I did gain a couple pounds that I had been wanting to put on tho. I didn't really recognize how much of an influence you had on me until you got me kicked out of school. Man, I was hurt! I came home feeling like a failure, but instead of backing away from you, I somehow became more dependant on you. You made me think that everything was all right. Every time I started getting down and depressed, all I had to do was chill wit you and all my worries just faded away with the smoke. It didn't help that the people I choose to chill with also considered you a good friend. It got to the point were I would spend all my money just so that you and I could have our time together. One time you had me in such a zone I almost drove myself and pinkie straight off a cliff. No one ever told me I had a problem, because no one really knew. I was good at hiding the fact that you and I had grown so close. Ma started noticing your scent in my room, but I always had a good excuse. Things changed when I had that dream tho. God came to me personally like he never had before. It was then that I knew I had to let you go. I was reluctant at first, because I didn't want to have to face reality without you in my system. Like I said you always seemed to find a way to make everything all right. But I knew it had to be done. I couldn't let you go immediately, it took some time to get used to living my adult life with out you. I'm good now. Ive learned how to deal with my problems and issues without always looking for you to solve them. Its hard cause sometimes I want to run back to you. I have to force myself not to hang with those that still associate with you. I refuse to relapse. I pray and ask God to stick with me, and help me to forget about you, and the way you made me feel. Not many of my new friends know about our relationship we had, and things have been going good since I left you. Even though my social life is a lot more boring and, I've lost a couple friends. Its cool, because I enjoy life now instead of just letting it pass me by.
Good Riddance

Signed,
Two years sober and counting

Whats Up Wit All These Parties?

2008-12-17T10:52:00.011-05:00

So I was invited to a Christmas party this Friday. It ain't your average 'x-mas' party tho. This is gonna be like a get on up and shake that booty xxx-mas party. I told the lady who invited me that I would come after my little niece b-day party.

My niece who turns one on Friday is the funniest kid ever. I call her my mooka mook, everyone in my family has a nick name. I cant believe she is turning one all ready. Gosh these kids grow so fast! I don't really talk about my nieces that much, but they are my heart. I love those girls. In total I have seven nieces who's lives I am actively involved in ::the most recent addition was just born on December 9:: That's a lot ain't it! Yeah I'm the best auntie in the world.

Anyways back to the x-mas party, I'm feeling some kinda way about it. Here's why...

Its a co-workers party. At my job I sit around three other ladies that I am tight with. They call us "The Pod", whateva that means, and one of the ladies from the pod is the one that's throwing the party.
Its at her house. I'm all for house parties, but I have this thing about not being familiar with my surroundings, especially when I'm in someones house. Call me paranoid, but I need to know where all exits are just in case something pops off.
Other co workers will be there. So I believe that everyone has their 'work self', and their 'outside of work self'. I'm not sure how much of my 'outside of work self' I should bring to the party, b/c after the party on Friday I still have to return to work Monday, and all the other days, and be my work self.
Mutual Friends. Who does she know? Who does she know that I might know? Who knows her that might know me? Will these people be at the party? I'm just saying I need to know these things!
There will be alcohol. So y'all all ready know that I had a lil substance abuse problem this past weekend, and being that this is a house party she all ready told me she has all these special drink concoctions that she is making ::she told me that she has a 'special batch' that has been brewing and marinating in her fridge since thanksgiving.... since thanksgiving y'all!:: I would hate to accidentally get drunk at my co workers x mas house party with all our other co workers and mutual friends looking at me like what the eff. Not that I would get drunk on purpose, but I noticed that I have a problem recognizing when enough is enough.... gosh I sound like an alki!
The host is wearing booty shorts, and thigh boots. Okay so I asked her what the dress code was like and her response was "Wear what you want, but I'm gone have on some booty shorts and some thigh boots"........ nough said.

So people you see what I'm dealing with, any suggestions on how to approach this x-mas party? I plan to take one of my home girls wit me, but the other two ladies in the 'pod' are talking about riding out there together. We shall see.

On another note I am ready to snatch these Senegalese twist out of my head. My scalp is begging me to! I'm not sure what I want to do with my hair afterward. I have really been considering going natural, but I'm afraid. Suga says I should do it. I think I'm ready to give up the creamy crack, but I have no idea what to do with my hair when its not straight. That's ridiculous, which reminds me....

I forgot to tell the graduation party I went to Saturday was African! Meaning the girl who graduated is 100% African, so there was African music, reggae, afro's, dreads, African foods, Jamaican foods, and accents. I loved the atmosphere tho. It was so true. Nobody parties like Africans and Jamaicans. We party all night long. They did this African version of a soul train line it was so cute. Little kids were dancing like 30 yr olds, and the elders were gettin jiggy wit it. Everyone was just happy, and celebrating. Being at that party made me realize just how little we African Americans know about our African culture. It was beautiful.

Yea, I think im gonna go natural....

PS: My brother in Jamaica called me again last night, I talked to his girlfriend and everything. She invited me to Jamaica and told me that I am always welcome at their spot. Gosh, me and my brother are soooo tight now, just call us Brandy and Ray J lol!

Feeling Good, Feeling Great

2008-12-16T09:00:00.016-05:00

I woke this morning feel brand new
.
Think its because I finally sobered all the way up, I just felt revived this morning, you woulda thought that I got some last night by the way I'm acting today! This is why I try not to get drunk, cause when I do it takes a toll on my body, it always takes about two whole days before I'm back to 100%. Putting that pic of my eye up on yesterdays post is a clear example of where my mind was at.

Anyway I cant hold it anymore y'all, I talked to one of my brothers that lives in Jamaica this morning!!!!! I was so surprised, and excited to hear his voice. Even though we have never met I can tell that we are a lot alike by the few conversations that we have had. The one I talked to this morning is 29yrs old. He told me that he and my other brother that is 27 are planning to move to Brooklyn NY next yr with my father. They have never been to the States before. I cant wait for them to move here so that I can finally meet them. I'm gonna have to go to Jamaica to meet my sister. Unfortunately, she is not able to come to the states due to a felony she has in Jamaica =( I had to ask him to repeat a couple things he was saying. Sometimes I think they forget that I don't know all the Jamaican dialect, but it's cool. I was just glad he called. I think that call stemmed from that letter that I wrote to my father.

<----- This book right here is off tha chizzzain! Its a memoir by this lady named Cupcake Brown. Yep, that's her real name. Please don't judge this book by its cover ::cause the cover is not that appealing:: but I promise once you start reading it will be hard to put it down. I just started reading this book last night around 8pm, and Ive already read a good amount. I have a tendency to read the last chapter of a book if I feel like the story line is moving too slow ::I'm so impatient y'all, but I'm working on it:: but I choose not to with this book. I have a feeling the ending to her story is well worth the wait. I recommend anyone who thinks they have ever been through anything to read this book, I bet your situation aint got ish on hers. Once I finish I may do a book review. Its the true story of a girl that experiences the death of a parent, childhood abuse, rape, drug addiction, miscarriage, alcoholism, hustling, gangbanging, near-death injuries, drug dealing, prostitution, and homelessness all before the age of 18.
If your looking for a good read go ahead and purchase this book A Piece Of Cake By Cupcake Brown, Google her baby.

Im all smiles today, feels good to be sober again lol, j/k but seriously it really does =)

PS: To read an excerpt CLICK HERE

Scatter Brained

2008-12-15T09:51:00.008-05:00

<------ that's my eye. Random I know. Unfortunately this is the only pic I have for you all from this weekend that doesn't reveal who I am =( Actually I have more pics but my cousin "accidentally" put my camera in her purse, so all I had was my handy dandy blackberry camera this weekend. Man, this weekend was crazy. After work on Friday I did as I planned and went to the mall. I brought this really cute hunter green sweater dress that I planned to wear with my burnt orange knee boots later that night..... that so did not happen. I was at the youth dance till 11:00pm, and after that I was too tired to go to anybodies club, so I just took it to the house, and laid it down so I could be ready for Saturday. Saturday night a friend of mine had a graduation party me and two of my home girls showed up extra late ::the party started at 8pm, we didn't get there till about 10:30pm smh:: so we missed the dinner part of the party. Home girl had an open bar, and I decided that it would be a good idea to drink three glasses of white zinfandel knowing that all I had on my stomach was about 4 fried wings from pizza hut, and one slice of coconut pie. After we finished our drinks we decided that we wanted to go to the club. It was around 11:30pm at this time. At this point I had a serious buzz but was not necessarily drunk, so I was like cool lets go. We went to this club called Stir. I had never been before, and for some reason I think I got drunker on the way to the club. Its like the fresh air somehow enhanced my buzz.

My home girls and myself were really cute by the way. I had on a dark gold tube dress with a black skinny belt and some black heels. Thank God there was no line outside so we just walked right in. Being that this was my first time at this particular club, I was buzzed, and I had to use the bathroom really bad, I somehow forgot to pay! After the bathroom trip, I went straight to bar ::like I needed another drink:: and got a blue motorcycle. Not sure why I thought that my 120 pound body could tolerate all that liquor. To be honest most of Saturday night after that is a blur. I remember dancing to single ladies, I remember some guy standing beside me and staring directly in my face without saying a word for like 2 whole songs ::that was weird:: , I remember all of sudden feeling like I had to throw up, I remember this really big fancy mirror on the wall in another section of the club, I remember dancing with someone while I was looking at myself in the mirror ::???:: I remember when it hit me that I was officially drunk. The way I can tell when im drunk is when everything seems to be moving in slow motion. We left at about 2:15am cause I did not want to be "that drunk girl" in the club. The ride home was the worst, all of a sudden I had motion sickness. When I got in my apartment it wasn't any better cause I had insomnia. I had no choice but to deal with the drunkenness face to face. I finally feel asleep around 4am. I felt like crap on Sunday! I went to my moms house so she could take care of me, and she did.

I'm still not 100% today so if this post seems a little... scattered its because I am.

Lata peeps.

Lets Get Get Get It!

2008-12-12T12:50:00.013-05:00

I am so unnecessarily crunk today!

Remember that video game sonic the hedgehog?? Remember how busy he was?? Yea that's me today! I feel like im in the video at the bottom of my page.

In a previous post I wrote about taming my tongue, so I practiced what I preached. This morning I woke up and the first thing out my mouth was "TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY, I MEAN REALLY GOOD!" So far.... so good! Maybe cause its Friday, maybe cause one of my besties is gonna be home this weekend, maybe because I choose to be happy and enjoy today instead of complaining. Well I do have one complaint.

Okay so one of my besties that lives out of town is bringing two of her friends to Charlotte with her this weekend, and she has all ready told me to be ready to party tonight and tomorrow night... so I'm like cool, but dang I need to go to the mall, I don't get off work until 5pm, and I gotta be at my church by 7pm for the youth dance they are having tonight.... when am I gonna find time to buy an outfit for tonight's after church festivities, Dang! Here's my complaint for today. I get to work and the girl that sits beside me says shes gonna lie and leave early so that she can go shopping with her mom. She beat me to the punch! Liar!

So I'm gonna have to go to the mall during rush hr meaning I prob wont get there till about 5:45ish, find something cute for tonight, rush home to change for the youth social, rush to my church, then rush back home to get ready for the after church festivities Sheesh!

Anyway I will prob have some good stories from this weekend to write about next week. Ill try and take pics that wont give me away, but still allows you all to see all the fun Im having. This bestie is crazy so I'm sure we are gonna have some kinda adventure.

Hope yall have a safe fun weekend I'LL HOLLAAAAA!!!!

Miscellaneous

2008-12-11T16:09:00.004-05:00

12 frivolous facts

Coca-Cola used to contain cocaine.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

I'm hella bored @ work today, didn't feel like exercising my brain, but I got the craving to do a post and this is the result.

Pics of stuff I found while on my field trip through google images.

Ceiling Mural in employee smoking area

Thank God tomorrow is Friday, im losing it!

Soundtrack Of My Life

2008-12-10T12:25:00.012-05:00

I got one of those emails today where you answer a bunch of random questions then you forward it to your friends.

The very last question asked what is the one song that you want played at your funeral. My response was "Oh Happy Day" performed by the cast and crew from Sister Act 2 'Back In The Habit', Lauren, Whoopi, dude from that group City High, I want them all.

This made me think if one day somebody decided to turn my life into a movie what songs would be on the soundtrack.

Lets see...

Track 1 ::ages 0-5:: Jackson Five - Rockin Robin. The whole essence of this song is perfect. Reminds me of hand games, playgrounds, hop scotch, and double dutch. Good Times.
Track 2 ::ages 6-10:: Elevators - Outkast. At this point in my life we had just moved to Charlotte from Brooklyn. We had like 7 family members living up in our 1st house. Man those were some of the best times!
Track 3 ::ages 11-13:: Prerogative - Bobby Brown. Man I was so feisty in my preteen years, you couldn't tell me nothin!
Track 4 ::ages 13-15:: Insane In The Brain - Cypress Hill. I was crazy yall. These were the years I struggled with depression, contemplating suicide, and thought that the world was against me.
Track 5 ::age 16:: I Aint No Joke - Eric B & Rakim. I thought I was the shizzznit! 4 real, when I turned 16 I thought the world revolved around me.
Track 6 ::age 16:: Parents (more like momma) Just Don't Understand - Fresh Prince & DJ Jazzy Jeff.
Track 7 ::age 17:: It Takes Two - Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock - I lost my 'V' card, and lost my mind.
Track 8 ::age 17-18:: I Got 5 On It- The Luniz. I was smokin heavy during these times.
Track 9 ::age 17-18:: Knuck If You Buck - Crime Mob. I went to college wishin a mutha would.
Track 10 ::age 18-19:: If Your Girl Only Knew - Aaliyah. I was down wit O.P.P
Track 11 ::age 19:: College Dropout - Kanye West. The whole Album! I had officially dropped out of college.
Track 12 ::age 19-20:: We Be Clubbin' - Ice Cube. I was officially a bum at this point, I was a college drop out, that worked part time at Guess, so I partied. I partied like it was 1999.
Track 13 ::age 19-20:: Get Up Get Out - Outkast ft. Goodie Mob. This is when I made the decision to put down the blunt and pick up a real J-O-B.
Track 14 ::age 20-21:: Fight the Power - Public Enemy. I turned into somewhat of a modern day black panther, I wasn't gonna let the system or the man hold this sista down!
Track 15 ::age 21:: Like a Bird - Nelly Furtado. I just wanted to fly away.
Track 16 ::age 22:: Electric Relaxation - A Tribe Called Quest. This is me now.

No tellin what the future tracks will be

PS: new video @ bottom of page, but before you press play just know that song is gonna your body move whether you want to or not.

Dont Blame Me

2008-12-09T10:28:00.011-05:00

So I been thinking.... and I realized a lot of the reason I am the way I am is not my fault.

Lets start with the fact that I am single :: and by single I mean not married cause as far as I'm concerned your single until you get a ring on your finger::
Its not my fault that I'm single, its my moms and dads.
I'm a bastard child, they were not married when they had me. Matter of a fact my mother and father met at a night club! They were boyfriend and girlfriend when I was conceived, but by the time I was old enough to recognize a relationship they had all ready broken up. My mother had boyfriends but never got married again, so I never got that learned behavior as to how to be someones wife. So I was brought up by a single mother therefore I am single... point proven.

Its not my fault that I'm somewhat afraid of commitment, its my '1st sexual partner' fault.
In the beginning of our relationship I was so committed to him, and he totally disregarded my commitment! I was really shy back then, so I did what I thought was the best thing to show him how committed I was to him... I gave myself to him. He had the privilege of being the very 1st person to ever take part in the "Ziggy Experience", and he completely took advantage of the fact that I was new to the game! Therefore its not my fault that I am afraid of commitment, I place that blame on B*

Its not my fault that I'm so independent and anti social at times, its the governments fault.
I was a latch key kid. Meaning that after school I went home to no one but myself. I had to watch my own back as I walked that LONG walk from the bus stop to my house, fix my own after school snack, and help my own self out with my homework. Why?? Because my mother worked for a government agency that required her to work long hours, and because Uncle Sam persuaded my older brother to join the Army instead of encouraging him to stay at home with his little sister. That's why I blame the government for my learned behavior of being anti social, and independent.

Its not my fault that I'm not having sex, its my older sister fault.
My sister kinda raised me. Honestly shes taught me more than anyone else on this earth, that's why I love her so. But one of the biggest things my older sister taught me was self worth. She taught me that no matter what anybody thinks or says about me that I am a diamond! So the fact that I made the decision to practice abstinence is partly her fault. I started feeling like I was losing my self worth when I was having sex all willy nilly. Don't get me wrong I like having sex, but I would rather make love to someone that I am in love with. I don't want to have a bunch of sex with a bunch of different people, I want to have a bunch of sex with one person, somebody that recognizes my self worth and his as well. Feel me? So I totally blame the fact that I decided not to give myself to anyone else until I have absolutely no doubt in my mind about them so that I wont lose anymore of my self worth on my sister =)

I will probably be actin something like this man here on my wedding night!

It's not my fault I cant focus at work, dont blame me, blame Blogger.

Obama's Inauguration

2008-12-08T15:44:00.003-05:00

I just got this in an email and it almost got me fired from laughing so hard I had to share.. ENJOY!

Inauguration Issues - Get on the Bus!
Question - Where are all of those buses going to? Do all of these folks really BELIEVE they are actually gon get anywhere NEAR the ceremony? Brothers and Sistas, we can't all go to Washington for the ceremony. The city ain't but so big! "D.C." is smaller than Queens. You wasn't ALL INVITED! I heard of one church that has fifty buses going to Washington! Have ya'll all lost yo minds?! FIFTY BUSES! Where they gonna go? AN' you know some our folks don't do well in the cold! What's Sista Jones and her bad hip gonna do standin on the lawn for three orwalk from where yall gon hafta leave the bus to where you gon hafta stan', which is gonna be 'bout five MILES from where the President'sgonna be! An' y'all know ya can't be draggin' all yo lawnchairs, beachchairs, piknik chairs an tables wid ya! You gonna hafta stand all through the ceremony. 'Sides, by the time all them bad hips an' bad knees gits down there to the lawn, the ceremony'll be 'bout over! That brings ta mind another thing! Y'all needs to leave on time! This ain't goan be like no church pik nik or barbeque, an' it sho ain't gon start two or three hours late like some gospel show. Now Bam is a brotha, but he know how to handle his bizness! He don't run on CP Time! Them folks ain't gon stand out in that cold all mornin' waitin for the 10,000 buses and vans comin' from all over to get there. You church folks migh jes as well plan on leaving Sunday mornin' - do all yore singin' an' prayin' on the road! Psalm95 on I-95! (Check it out - it fits!) An' y'all best be plannin' on leavin right afta the ceremony. They ain't gon let y'all jes tie up Pennsylvania Avenue all daggone day! Ican hear it now - "WOULD YOU PLEASE LEAVE THE LAWN - STEP BACK OFFTHE LAWN!" They ain't gonna wait while 20 million black folks line up to have they picture taken standin' in front of the Capitol. AN' all your marchin' bands, steel pan ensembles, step teams, drill teams, Pee-Wee football, cheerleaders, church choirs, jump-rope teams, Elks, Masons, Bisons, Shriners, Miners, Whiners, Evening Stars, Morning Stars, Falling Stars, Alphas, Deltas, Sigmas, Kappas, Phi Beta Slammas, and fine Gamma Hammas cannot ALL be in the pararde. If you ain't got an invitation ALREADY, you ain't invited! So jes plan on goin' down, an' soon as you inside the city limits - get off the bus, take your pictures and LEAVE, cause with alla you peeples tryin to git there at the same time, the closest you likely to get to the capitol will probably be Baltimore in the north and Richmond to the South! Make sure that you SCHEDULE your time off, an' that includes Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Brack can't be callin' all your employers, an' being stuck in traffic on I-95 comin' from the Inauguration don't get you no kinda administrative leave! One other thing - remember back in the day when we was all still upset about racism in America, an' many of us was convinced that THE MAN was constantly plottin' our extermination?! Remember when everything was seen as an act of racial GENOCIDE - Welfare Reform; requirements that college athletes meet academic standards to beeligible to play; the DISPROPORTIONATE number of brothas in PRISON; drugs; raising academic standards; even birth control! Well, just suppose there was a way to get ALL of the black people together in one place at the same time. Then it would be relatively easy to get rid of them. Well, as it seems like just about every black person in America is plannin' on bein' at the Inauguration, you don't suppose that all of this could be part of some sinister MASTER PLAN to get rid of black people, do you? For myself, I plan on stayin' home that day an' watchin' everything on the tee-vee. l'll probably see mo of it than any of y'all. Besides, all that aroma of all that perfume, hair stylin' chemicals, curried goat, fish samiches, baked ham, tata salad and fried chicken on a bus for 16 hours would drive me plum crazy. On the other hand, I might jes go down to the church that mornin'an' make a few bucks sellin' some brown-paper-bag-gourmet-food. Besides ,there's gotta be at least ONE person left to tell about all this.Anyway, I hope you have a great time and keep Brack an' his family inyour prayers! Oh yeah, remember - Jan 20, 2009 @ 7:30 p.m. sharp! No matter where you are, or what you doin' - it's time for the NationalElectric Slide!Slide to the Left! Slide to the Right! Now everybody clap your hands!

LOL My people, My people

The Word

2008-12-08T12:04:00.005-05:00

I curse. I drink. I used to smoke reefa, and black and milds. I have had sex even though I have never been married. I have disobyed my mother and father. I have stolen things before. Money has been my number one priority. I have used God's name in vain. I have gossiped. I have done all these things and so much more, and yet I am a Christian.

You read right I am a Christian. No, I am not the perfect Christian because I am not Christ.

Not a preacher so dont expect a sermon, im just a young women thats been through a lot in my 22yrs of life, and the fact that I am still here, sane, and able.... I give credit where it is due-- to the big man upstairs.

I feel that a lot of people tend to think that just because they sin, God is not availible to them. That is completly false. Im pretty sure I sin at least 2/3 times a day. Thats okay because im working on it. The thing is God knows my heart, and yours too. He knows when something is done intentional, or not, and he knows if your truly sorry for what you have done, or not. But even if your not trust, you will be given the oppurtunity to be sorry.
For example:
The other day I went out and got lunch for myself and some of my co workers. On the way back this lady in front of me slammed on her brakes ::she fit in the catogory of 'The Breaker':: for no reason. This caused one of my coworkers fries to slide out the bag and onto the floor of my car.... what did I do? I scooped them back up into her bag and proceeded like normal, didnt feel bad about the fact that she was eating dirty fries or anything. So about two days later the coworker went to a soul food restaurant and I ordered mac and cheese. When she returned my small container of mac and cheese flipped onto the carpet of our workplace.... cowinkidink... I think not.
This may not be the best example but it was the most recent.... you get the drift.
Anyway the point of this post is to say that in Gods eyes everyone is equal. Wheather your a preacher, teacher, constuction worker, stripper, customer service representative, lawyer, prostitute, or atheist, there is nothing like the peace of knowing that no matter what life may throw at you, the big man upstairs always has your back.

God is good all the time.... and the the time God is good.

And for your daily laugh CLICK HERE

Skinny Thoughts

2008-12-05T09:15:00.007-05:00

All the skinny ladies (all the skinny ladies)
All the skinny ladies (all the skinny ladies)
All the skinny ladies (all the skinny ladies)
All the skinny ladies
Now put your hands up! ::break into dance routine::

No I have never had an eating disorder of any kind, or any sickness or illness that would prevent be from gaining weight, I'm just naturally thin. When most people think of an African American women the image that pops in their mind is curves up top and curves down below. That's not me. I'm often told that I'm a "skinny girl with a shape" whateva that means. I don't see myself that way.

Its mainly because I feel that I am criticized because of my size instead of celebrated. Not that I expect people to praise me for my size or anything but dang.... don't put me down! Most people view a skinny black girl as abnormal, and honestly if I was a white girl I probably wouldn't even be considered skinny.

I'm tired of people tryin to force meals on me, or people looking to see if I'm eating just as much as everybody else, or if I turn down some food the ever so popular "She watching her figure". Oh and not to mention the "You need to eat girl!". That's so rude. Its the same as telling somebody "You need to not eat so much girl!". That annoys the heck outta me!

In this society it is super easy to get mixed messages. Too tall, too short, too skinny, too fat. From what I get white women feel media/society expects them to be skinny. I feel that media/society expects black women to have all the curves in all the right places. While most white women will look at me in admiration, black women will laugh at my small hips. Watching tv and looking through magazines as a slim black women I rarely see me! Now when I see Hollywood, like A list black Hollywood, sometimes I see me. I think the black women there feel pressure to remain thin. But guess what... I don't live in black Hollywood. I live on the east coast IN THE SOUTH! Being southern there is a whole nother expectation to be extra curvy cause of the grits, cornbread, and cabbage that I am supposed to be eating. I dare not mention that I am Jamaican..... oh goodness!

I'm learning to luv me for who I am regardless of how others feel or what they think of me, its a process.

And I quote
"The ugliest win over sins is finally being comfortable in your skin "

PS: Lil Wayne sounds a lot like the new Kanye in this song Hot Revolver

My Scale Is Off

2008-12-03T12:41:00.014-05:00

Imma Libra

.
.

and I feel weird today

.
.

not quite sure how to explain how I feel

.
.

I just know its weird

.
.

I love those new drinks at Taco Bell, my favorite is the mango strawberry frutista freeze

I'm sooooooooooooooooooo not focused today

Don't feel like being at work

I think that's what it is

I'm sleepy

Not really sleepy but I just feel like being really lazy today

Or this week

But I cant cause I'm an adult

Plus I'm not wealthy

So I have to work

Thank God I have to job though

Theres a lot of people out there that wish they had a cubicle to come to everyday

I have a hoodie I keep on the back of my chair at work

Its always cold at my work place

I think its because the people that control the AC are white

They got that European blood

My father is Jamaican

I got that Jamaican blood

And it don't like cold

I tend to try and pull my sleeves over my hands like that's gonna make me warmer

.
.

It doesn't

And my sleeves are starting to tear around the wrist area ::that's my hand/hoodie sleeve::

Today is weird

.
.

New video at the bottom of the page

My scale must be off.

Watch Yo Mouth!

2008-12-02T12:17:00.009-05:00

I have this book called God's Words of Life for Women. Its small, I carry it in my purse everyday ::if my purse allows:: Its filled with different scriptures from the bible based on particular situations. Its like cliff notes for the bible... kinda.

Any ol who, last night I was talking to my mother on the phone, and she was upset with my brother because she asked him for $1,500 and he said "No, I don't have it". She felt as though because she is his mother he should have given it to her, in her mind he was being selfish. Granted, knowing my brother he has $1,500 that he could probably spare.
When I am approached with a touchy situation such as this one, and I feel like I don't know what to say I normally recite a small prayer in my mind... and it goes a lil something like this....Lord, please guide my thoughts, and my tongue so that the words that leave my mouth are what you would have me to say, and not what I want to say.
If I would have said what I wanted to say to my mother it would have been "You don't have to right to be upset with him for not allowing you to spend his money, you are not obligated to his money just because you are his mother" But because I prayed before I spoke instead I gave her a brief lesson on faith, and appreciation. I told her "Instead of depending on MAN to solve your issue why not take it to GOD and trust and believe that he will take care of it. If its money you want pray and ask GOD, if you are deserving you will receive it. Have faith ma, its the only thing that is guaranteed to work."

Sometimes even I cant believe that things that come out of my mouth ::good and bad:: The bible says that life and death is in the tongue, and I truly believe this. I also believe that we speak things into existence without even recognizing the power of our words. Ever heard someone talk about a situation that may be brewing and what the outcome will be..... then when the outcome is exactly what they said they say "I knew that was gonna happen". Of course it was gonna happen....you spoke it into existence! The words that come out of our mouths are the most powerful tools that we have. Your words are your super power. Leaving you with some words from the bible.

James 3:9-12

9With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. 10Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. 11Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? 12My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

Tame your tongue.

They Lied, Ignorance Aint Bliss

2008-12-02T10:46:00.016-05:00

Ignorance is defined as The condition of being uneducated, unaware, or uninformed.

Who would want to be uneducated, unaware, and uninformed?? Not me, I would rather be wise and blissful.

Yesterday was world AIDS day I didn't know until I got home a started watching t.v. There was a special on BET about 4 people, 2 had HIV and 2 didn't. I just knew that I had guessed the right people, but at the end of the show I was proven to be %100 wrong. I never really thought about how much of an epidemic HIV/AIDS is until yesterday. Here are a few facts I picked up...

Did you know

More people in Washington DC have HIV/AIDS than any other city in the USA.
Black women ages 25-34 are the most infected with the HIV/AIDS virus.
1 out of every 5 people with HIV/AIDS DO NOT know they have it.

That mess is crazy. This virus is really taking people out!

I have my own theory as to where and why all the STD's appeared. If you think about it, these viruses did not appear until after the sex revolution during the 70's/80's. People became sexually immoral. Family values started to disappear. Not to mention all the new drugs that were introduced. My theory is that God allowed this plague to open our eyes and slow us down! For some it worked for most it didn't. ::Book recommendation- Juanita Bynum "No More Sheets", the video of her sermon is also very good::

I must admit when I first started having sex I never used a condom. The guy I was with was the only one and I thought he loved me, and we were gonna be together forever, get married one day have the 2 and a half kids with the white picket fence and the cute lil doggie. So in my young naive mind I thought "Condom... what for? He's my future hubby" Not to mention no one had thoroughly educated me on sex and everything that comes with it.

THANK GOD that I never had any STD's although I later found out that he was steppin out on me. That was a blessing. After that scare I promised to always rap it up. I didn't keep that promise with myself. Just earlier this year I had unprotected sex, with a guy I barely knew ::shame shame shame:: I was told that the best time to get tested and receive accurate results was about 6 months after. So the six month mark hit about a month ago and I went and got tested....for everything. While waiting 2 days for my results I was so disappointed with myself, because this time I knew better. I was relieved to find out that all my test were negative. Hallelujah!!!! Words cant describe how happy I was. Haven't had unprotected sex since... and don't plan to until my wedding night. Protect yourself people, a few minutes ::or hours:: of pleasure is not worth a life time of pain.

PS: Sister Souljah has a new book out titled "Midnight" I gotta get it click to link to read an except.

Who ever came up with that quote "Ignorance is Bliss" was one ignorant person

Yall aint gonna believe this

2008-12-01T11:28:00.012-05:00

I'm not sure if this is real or what, but while surfing the web I came across this new internet service that you can get through your toilet ::???::
Introducing Google TiSP.

Beyonce has a new song for her new hubby it's titled "Roc". She's so in luv its cute. Maybe one day ill be so in luv I wanna sing about it =)

The Real Hoodwives Of Bankhead Part Deux

2008-11-26T10:25:00.011-05:00

This is a follow up to the original post The Real Hoodwives of Bankhead.

Okay, so I missed like the 1st 15mins of the show. The first thing I noticed was how uncomfortable the host got when the drama first started to pop off, he warmed up to it as the show went on. The next thing I noticed was Nene's new hairstyle.... short hair don't care. Well, I care and I prefer the longer hair. So then Kim started talking about her hair, and when she had cancer, then she was like oops my bad nevamind I didn't have cancer I was just sick??? What was the point in even mentioning cancer. Whateva Kim. Deshawns hair was styled weird to me. She normally has some of the best weave. I was glad when Deshawn set the "haters" straight tho. I was proud of her for standing up for herself, but after that she was way too quite. I think she still has some animosity towards some of the other ladies. Then the infamous question was asked "Did Sheree leave Nene's name off the guest list on purpose?" I think she did even though she swears it wasn't done intentionally. Whateva Sheree. I peeped Nenes mad face tho. That was so funny to me when she kept making evil eyes at Kim and Sheree! I got extremely nervous for Kim's life when debo Nene jumped up in her face. Thank goodness for Lisa! Shes little but she sure is brolic! She won my favorite line of the night "Eff you Kim, I will flip you over that couch..I am not the one... 4 real, 4 real, 4 real". Kim won my worst line of the night "Half of my friends are black, I'm not racist at all!". I don't think Kim is racist, but every black person in the world knows that is the worst thing you can say when trying to prove how not racist you are. Then they brought out the honorary sixth house wife.... Dwight Eubanks aka Nene's gay boyfriend. Peep his new do.

I almost choked on my drink when he walked out with that long wavy hair! I cant hate tho, he can dress is butt off, and he is hilarious. Never saw a french pedicure on a man until Dwight Eubanks. Never knew the 'special secret' was to have sex 3x's a day until Dwight Eubanks. He was wrong for dissing Kim on national TV when the host asked him what he thought about every ones style. I guess he was just sticking wit his girl Nene. Gotta luv him!

Those ladies ::and occasional guys:: are full of drama.. and I luv drama :: on my favorite shows that is::

I heard on the radio this morning that the ladies did agree to do a second season, I cant wait.

Told You I Was Psychic

2008-11-26T09:50:00.006-05:00

Nah just kidding, but yesterday truly was a good day!

Okay so I left work at 12pm and headed to my mothers house. We went to the funeral home and paid our respects to my uncle. The weirdest part of the funeral was... his wife didn't come??? My uncle didn't have an insurance policy so of course there was all ready some drama surrounding that ::My mom and some others suspected that my uncles wife was tryin to get 'pay back' for all the times he cheated on her:: All in all it was a good service. The pastor preached about death coming like a thief in the night, and how we should all make sure we live our lives right so there is not a doubt we will make it to heaven. I enjoyed the sermon, because it was so true. It seems that people do tend to think just because someone you love dies that they are going to heaven... because you loved them. That is far from the truth. Only the righteous make it to heaven according to the Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven. (Matthew 6:1)

After the funeral we went to go eat. Myself, four of my cousins, and two of my nieces went back to my crib. I love hanging with my family, they keep it so real all the time. One of my cousins came equip with tools to do individual lashes :: ??? :: So I let her work her magic on my eyes. We had such a good time, laughing and talking, reminiscing on the good ol days. The cousin that was doing the eyelashes is also pregnant by a married man. Shes so positive about the situation tho. She says she didn't know he was married until after... it was only supposed to be a one night thing. Couldn't be me... I would be all to pieces. She told us that pregnant coo coo ::that's what we call it in my family:: is the best coo coo. I wouldn't know... never been pregnant. My other cousin told me the most amazing thing. She said her and her boyfriend of three years have always had sex unprotected, and she has never been pregnant. This shocked the heck outta me! Three years of unprotected sex and you ain't got pregnant yet?? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that they both smoke reefa like crazy.

At around 8:45pm I took them all back over to my moms, all the family was meeting there, except me. I had to get back home to get ready for work today, and watch The Real Housewives Of Atlanta reunion show.

PS: those individual lashes didnt even last for 24hrs. I took them off cause it felt funny when I blinked.

YAY my job is letting the employees leave @ 1pm today with no deduction in our pay! HAPPY TURKEY DAY =)

Today was a Good Day

2008-11-25T10:25:00.008-05:00

I feel good today

Although I will be leaving work @ 12pm to attend my uncles funeral @ 1pm I feel....gingerly optimistic about today =)

The holidays are gonna be different this year. My family has come to the decision that we will not be exchanging gifts for Christmas... I have a big family, and its a recession people! I feel Jeezy when he said pleeeaasssee let tha dollar circulate!

BTW I think I have psychic abilities yall. I am so serious. Let me give you some examples.

My brother used to be in the army. When he returned from his 2nd tour in Iraq I had a dream that he called and told me he got kicked out of the army for failing his drug test when he reached his new base.... two weeks later he called my mom and told her he was kicked out the army for having reefa in his system.

I have Deja Vu at least once a month

I can sense when something is about to happen ::kinda like Raven Symone on her show That's So Raven...but not that often or that animated::

Okay so some of yall may be like.. girl please whatev quit lying... but I'm 4 real. I never have it when I want it though, its always random stuff.

I wonder if I could get a glimpse of my life four years from now, what would I change in my life right now. Lets see.... four years ago it was 2004 I was a reefa smoking 17yrs old freshman at a popular HBCU. I was happier than ever ::so I thought:: I was naive, gullible, fast, wide eyed and bushy tailed! Had I known that in 2008 I would be where I am today.... a lot of things would have been different.

I guess that's why God does not allow us to see into our futures, so that we wont live our lives knowing what is to come. Expecting the unexpected is what keeps you on your toes, and proves how faithful you are.

Only God knows whats in store for me four/five years from now. I just pray that I'm prepared for what ever it is, cause I have a feeling God has big things in store for me.

PS: I changed my page back to a classic Blogger page... I said it once Ill say it again "I'm so indecisive sometimes I get on my own nerves!"

I Am A Begging Bowl

2008-11-24T10:55:00.012-05:00

That's what my pastor told me yesterday in church.
Some people feel the holy spirit when the choir sings, or during a spiritual dance, but not me I feel the holy spirit during what some consider the most boring part... the sermon.
My pastor told the congregation that we are all begging bowls. At first I was like... huh?
Then he went on to explain that there are four types of begging bowls and we all fit into one, he calls it "The Begging Bowl Perceptive"

Upside Down Bowl: a person that is not open to possibilities. You have shut off most people, and any idea that may differ from your own.

Ride Side Up Bowl: All ready full of 'stuff' ::that's what my pastor called it...stuff:: pretty much like that bag lady that Erykah Badu sang about.

Right Side up and broken: This is that person that is depressed, mad at the world. These type are normally filled with hurt, anger, and pain that they have yet to deal with.

Right side up to God: These are the people that you meet and they just have a something about them you are attracted to. They are clear, empty, and clean. They have some cracks, they are not perfect, but are able to find healing in forgiveness.

What type of bowl am I? I am right side up. I am full of 'stuff'. I have a hard time letting go of things. I think at some points in my life I have been right side up and broken, until I learned to power of healing. But I am still full of stuff... I'm a work in progress. I've decided that I am goin to start taking a pen and pad to church so that I can keep notes on the sermons. My pastor be preaching!

BTW Dic is officially the youth minister... pastor confirmed this on Sunday ::smh::

Oh yea, I had a really hard time Friday. My best friend and I met some others at Starbucks ::this is not the norm for me.. meeting @ Starbucks that is:: I had this surge of envy come over me when she started talking about her boyfriend... what is wrong wit me?? I kinda feel like he is taking by bestie away...I don't like feeling this way, I gotta figure out how to deal with this.

PS: new video @ bottom of page ;)

Back Like Cooked Crack

2008-11-20T10:25:00.017-05:00

I think I'm addicted to blogging....

The first step to getting better is admitting that you have a problem, and I am no longer in denial... I have a problem.

I write at least one post every weekday... its like I don't feel right if I don't. I think its mainly because I get bored @ work. I mean really I've only been blogging since September of this year and I all ready have 25 post! That may not be a lot to you professional bloggers out there, but for me... that's a lot. This post makes 13 for this month so far... thats ridiculous. Clearly... I've got a lot on my mind!

In my last post I told yall that I am a rigid person... I have officially incorporated this blog into my weekday routine.

I'm starting to believe that the world wide web might be the anti christ... why is it that every time I find something new on this thing I get addicted.

I remember when I was first introduced to the Internet... AOL ::America On-Line:: That's were it all begin. We had dial up back then ::remember dial up lol:: I would come home from school and log right on. After all those crazy scary noises I would be so happy to hear "You've Got Mail". Signing into the chat rooms was the best part tho. One of my home girls used to meet dudes in the chat rooms and have them come to her house when her mother wasn't home.. we were in like 7th grade ::smh::

Then I went to college and meet Facebook. It was all the rage when I started in 2004. Back then it was like a members only thing, you had to be in college in order to join. I would log on every chance I got to see if I had a new friend request or message. I liked it better when it was that way. The new Facebook is on some other ish!

Next came the ever so popular MySpace.... boy if Tom only knew how big this thing was gonna be when he started it! I was late to MySpace didn't get one till about a year ago, I didn't have the patience to search for the perfect song that matched my page and figure out all the html coding. My little niece actually started my page, but when I took over my MySpace became my new crack.

Now its Blogger... by looking at all my post you wouldn't know that I don't have Internet @ home. Every single one of my blogs is written from my cubicle at work. This is one of the few web pages that is not blocked *knock on wood* I even have the audacity to get upset if I am interrupted with some actual work while I am blogging... at work. The nerve of me!

I promise I do have a life outside of this blog yall. It occurs when I'm outside of work.

blogging in the words of Hov:

How could you leave me? I thought that you needed me! When the world got too much and you pleaded with me–Who helped you immediately? How speedy of me! How could you deny me so vehemently? Now your body is shakin’ trying to free it of me And your soul is in control, trying to lead it from me And your heart no longer pledge allegiance to me Damn, i’m missing the days when you needed the B* (log)

PS:: Did yall know pirates are taking ova ships again?? Dang, I guess history really does repeat itself!

PSS:: Need A Laugh??? Click Here

The Real Hoodwives Of Bankhead

2008-11-19T12:46:00.025-05:00

I must admit I was one of the many that tuned into the "The Real Housewives Of Atlanta"

Out of the five women on that show, only 3 three of them are actual 'housewives', DeShawn, Lisa, and NeNe. The other two Kim, and Sheree are exwives, and really Kim is just a jump off to some rich man named "Big Poppa". But hey... who am I to judge?? And according to today's rappers ... everybody know it aint trickin if you got it (allegedly).

But what does Kim have?? Must be kryptonite cause she gets whatever she likes!

I'm not too fond of Sheree... something about her, I cant put my finger on, but I'm not feelin her.

DeShawn seems to be sweet, but I think she would get on my nerves if I knew her. She wont open her mouth when she talks, and that annoys me.

Lisa and NeNe are my kinda people. I'm on team NeNe cause she seems like a round the way girl ::and she's the most 'debo' one in the crew::. I dont let the fake bougie accent fool me NeNe, I know your type, and your cool by me!

The season finale was full of drama. I'm excited for the reunion show, previews make it look like it gonna go down. I hope Bravo decides to do a second season, I was really entertained by this show.
Which housewife are u?

Go NeNe **cabbage patch** Go NeNe!!

The Devil Is A Liar

2008-11-18T09:31:00.014-05:00

God is in Control
The devil is a liar cause he is always trying to find ways to make me disregard that God is in control...
I am somewhat of a control freak, I admit it. I'm very rigid. I like to have things planned out and I like for things to go accordingly. But life never goes that way. Its crazy to think that you can plan out your life and things will go exactly the way you plan.... that's crazy right??
I wrote my father a letter last week because I know that he doesn't understand the person that I am now. I love my father with all my heart. The only man I have ever truly loved and felt the exact same love back. Our relationship was disrupted when my mother moved me from Brooklyn to Charlotte. I didn't see my father between the ages of 4 and 13. That's a long time. The letter I wrote just explained my life, things I've been through, and why I am the way I am sometimes ::antisocial, detached, passive aggressive:: My father called me last night.. he got the letter. That was the best convo we have had in a long time. I cried when I got off the phone with him.
I called my sister to let her know about the convo I had with my father. She told me she was proud of me for taking that step cause she knows how hard it is for me to express myself openly ::I feel vulnerable when I express my true feelings, and I don't like feeling vulnerable:: She proceeds to tell me that our great uncle passed away not more than an hour prior to our convo. This made me cry even more.
Here's the confusing thing
I'm not sure if my tears were for the death of my uncle or if his death somehow triggered a thought of how I would feel if my father passed.
I would seriously loose my mind if something happened to my father.
Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you... but at the end of the day, no matter what I go through I try to remind myself that I am not in control, God is.
Don't feel like writing anymore.. I'm done for today, time to go read some other blogs... pray for me yall

Oh yea I almost forgot to tell... my BFF pissed me off last night! This is another reason why I was feeling some kind of way about her new boyfriend (she has a tendency to get very naive when she gets a new boo)... 1st she gets mad @ her aunt for not wanting to watch her child while she is caked up @ his house all hours of the work night...4 real tho?? that is your child! Then her new boyfriend had the nerve to tell her to leave my god child @ home sleep and sneak out back to his house ... and she did it....the nerve!!! I told her if it happens again I'm calling Child Protective Services on her negligent butt....thats all back to reading others blogs until I get off work

Church Fight/ Senegalese Twist/ & Mr Perfect

2008-11-17T10:05:00.016-05:00

**F>Y>I updated my page, I operate my blog from work so I cant see all the details. If something is not looking right blame it on that =)

Yea so this weekend was pretty eventful.
Friday: Went to my church for another youth meeting...I'm a lil embarrassed to tell this story but here goes... Okay so we were about to wrap up our meeting with a prayer when the youth director comes in and demands to know what the meeting is all about because he was not invited :: the reason he was not invited is because he one of those that abuses his role:: we begin to tell him what was discussed and he just dismisses it all, saying that what we were planning to do is not in his agenda! The weird 20yr old guy that showed me his porn production pic a couple days before gets fed up and starts shouting all kinds of things @ the director. My favorite line that weird guy said (in his best preacher voice) "YOU ARE TRYING TO RUN A DICTATORSHIP AND-UH, YOU SEE, HISTORY HAS SHOWN-AH THAT DICT-UH (HE CALLED HIM DICK) NEVER PREVAILS!!!!" lmao my best friend was there and we were cracking up! Youth Director shouts "WHO IS HE TALKING TO...LIKE THAT!" weird guy responds "I AM TALKING TO YOU DICT (DICK)!!!!" At this point I am laughing so hard that I cant even breath... that is until I see youth director jump up in weird guys face ::Keep in mind youth director is like 47yrs old/ but don't let that fool ya I saw the crazy in his eyes:: weird guy goes "OH NO HE DIDN'T!". At this point I feel that it has gone too far cause youth director was about to get all up in weird guys a$$. So I ask another dude to break it up. That was my Friday night after work.
Saturday: I wake up @ 8:30am to go get my senegalese twist in my hair. After 9hrs of torture and no food I'm finally done and can go get me something to eat. I meet 2 friends at a seafood spot ::one of those friends is the "freak", every girl has at least one "freaky" friend that has tried everything:: We talk about everything from politics to anal ::something I have never tried, and don't plan to:: Of course my freaky friend gives me the details on it. Me and my freaky friend go back to her place and have some Sangria. That wine had me feeling like a smooth operator, so when my friend Pinkie calls and invites me to the club I'm all for it. I meet Pinkie @ the club, and we pay VIP so we don't have to wait in line. Get inside and I don't see any potentials so I'm like eff it... one way to the bar. I get one of my fav drinks (blue motorcycle) and head to the dance floor. Just as I'm finishing up my drink the DJ plays Jeezy 'My president is black' and I loose my mind ::normally I'm not a big fan of Jeezy, but alcohol+ new black (and white) president+ that song= me jammin:: Pinkie points out an old male friend from high school that just entered the club so we go speak. He kinda likes me and the feeling is mutual. He just happens to be with another dude that I know. This dude likes me a lot. Hes short and goofy... not my type at all. Short goofy guy decides I'm his boo after he buys me a long island iced tea and ask for my number. I give it... not sure y tho. Since that night short goofy guy has been calling/texting me like crazy! I cant stand text messages... its a cop out. I wish he would stop, or I wish I would not have given him my number ::smh:: where is my Mr.Perfect??
What would my Mr.Perfect be like. Here's a few qualities in no particular order...

God fearing- I'm not asking for a preacher, but I do want someone that is down wit G-O-D.
Brains- Don't have to be a brain surgeon, but can you challenge me intellectually... In the words of Dead Prez 'It's time for some mind sex, we ain't got to take our clothes off yet, We can burn the incense, and just chat Relax, I got the good vibrations, Before we make love let's have a good conversation'
Tall- don't want no iity bitty teeny weeny short man.. I'm sorry I just dont. I like to look up to my man.
Dark skin- don't know why, but its something about a chocolate man! This is why I don't think that I could date outside of my race, I just love dark skin, I think it is beautiful.
Minty Fresh- my sense of smell is very strong so you gotta have a nice odor, and I don't mean cologne. I'm talking about your natural pheromones. I want to be drawn to your smell, it says a lot about you.
Humility- I like a confident man, but one that is humble. He knows hes got it goin on, its obvious, therefore he doesn't need to broadcast it.
Sense of Humor- speaks for itself. My happiness is my sanity.
Adventurous- I'm a bit of a scaredy cat so I need someone that will encourage me to take risk.
Attractive- not that high on my list but it does matter. I gotta like to look at u.
Responsible/Mature- I don't have the time and/or energy to mother a grown man
Employed- Nough said
Goal Oriented- reach for the stars baby!

Is that too much to ask??

I was like "4 Real Tho"

2008-11-14T12:35:00.035-05:00

"4 Real tho"<---- I think im the only person that still says this, and I've said it like 100x's today... its only 12:39pm.

1st of all I want to say thanks to anyone who reads my blog, i never really thought I would have an audience but i kinda like it... this fabulous, fierce, and friendly lady and wise young women :: who I also think is my long lost fraternal twin after reading her blog:: even went as far as to leave comments... had me feeling all good inside, I almost did the cabbage patch! That was a positive thing that made me say "4 Real Tho?"...

My co workers get on my nerves when they be faking like they sick... lady that sits next to me walks in all pitiful like so everyone will ask her "whats wrong???", what did I do... I just ignored her fakin' a$$, so she took it upon herself to tell me what was wrong...she says to me "my head hurts and blah blah blah", what did I do... I said "......oh". 5 mins later she was back to her normal self.... that is until the supervisor walked over... this fakin' chick starts cryin talkin bout "oh it just hurts soooo bad!" so supvr tells her to go home.... I was like "4 Real Tho?"

I think the custodian sexually harassed me... he was reaching for my trash can and he touched my booty on the way... "4 Real Tho?" excuse you Mr.Custodian!

I wrote my father a letter today, something that I've never done before... 4 real tho this blog thing really has my writing juices flowing!

I'm a youth counselor @ my church, we had a meeting to brainstorm activities, this 20yr old weirdo guy showed me some pics on his laptop (while in the church) from his porn production company ::smh:: yea he's a youth counselor too... "4 Real Tho"

That pregnant man is pregnant AGAIN???... dang he be gettin it in "4 Real Tho"!

I read some of my older post and... wow was I tryin to be deep or what lol! I must had just read someone elses blog and got wrapped up in their deepness....I was trippin "4 real tho"

Two Week Notice

2008-11-13T10:51:00.013-05:00

You know those beginning stages when you first meet someone, and you are in the process of getting to know them?? Well where I'm from we say that you are "talking" to that person...

Ive noticed a pattern with all the new guys that I have "talked" to this year... it never last longer than two weeks... wats up wit that???

No lie it seems like we "talk" for all of two weeks and then.. poof their gone!

Let me give you a brief run though of some of the guys I have "talked" to in 2008.

Q- that's was his real nick name, we met @ a club and talked for two weeks before I went to visit him in his city, than BLAMO it was ova. About a month after that he contacted me, I decided to give him another chance and guess what... two weeks after that BLAMO it was ova again.
Muhammad- yea he is Muslim. Hes the oldest guy that I have ever "talked" to so I thought cool he gonna be more mature..... I was wrong. We "talked" and chilled and on the exact night that marked our two week anniversary he tried me :: meaning he tried to have sex wit me:: I wasn't wit it cause I wasn't feeling that I wanna sex you up feeling he got mad, and BLAMO that was the end of that.
Mario- He is a football player. We went to high school together, but I never payed him any mind then. We "talked" for all of two weeks ::every second of those weeks we chilled was spent in my apartment, which I normally don't do, but made an exception because I liked him, and kinda all ready knew him:: he tried me on the two week mark too and you know the rest...

Now that I have recognized this pattern I just brace myself for it. I consider the 1st date a two week notice, so I do them just like my last job did me when I turned in my notice... I milk them for the remaining 13 days... lol j/k!

ZIGGY LINDEN

2008-11-13T09:44:00.013-05:00

ZIGGY LINDEN...this will be the name I will use to identify myself in this blog... dont ask were it came from....

I have decided to become celibate...as of today of course. If u read a previous blog titled "Tight and Right!" you would know this is not my first time making this decision....

I'm so indecisive sometimes I get on my own nerves!

What inspired me to make this decision.. well a couple of things.

I feel that I need not focus on building a sexual relationship with a man so that I can focus on building my spiritual relationship with God.
I'm not one of those girls that act like a boy when it comes to sex... I really have feelings for someone if I am willing to share my body with them.
Once I have sex with someone, I get super attached

Those are just a few things that come to mind at this time, but u get the drift.

My best friend of about 10yrs has a boyfriend now...we have both been 'single' for about 3yrs how do I feel honestly...I feel how Samantha felt when Carrie called and told her she was engaged to Big ..."I thought after that big mess with Aidan ::in this case the father of her child::, you'd never want to get married ::in this case be in a relationship for a while:: So I put you in my 'were never getting married' file ::in this case 'were gonna be single for a really long time' file:: Now I'm gonna have to take you out of that file.

This is how it went when she told me....

BFF: I think I have a boyfriend....

ME: lol (fake laughter) u think??? This is not 3rd grade girl!

BFF: We talked last night and he said he was really feeling me and he wants to make it official

Me: Well what did u say?

BFF: I just laughed.

Okay don't get me wrong somewhere deep deep deep deep deeeeepppp down inside I am soo happy for her... but its hard to be happy for someone else, even if it is your BFF, when your not happy with your current situation... ya know?? Okay so call me a hater, or whateva but this is how I feel.

I've been avoiding phone calls from her, and when she text me I keep it short. My way of coping with uncomfortable situations is to avoid ignore avoid, and I am really good at hiding my feelings ( learned behavior from childhood... my mother didn't really allow anyone in the house hold but her to have feelings). She called me this morning and asked me why we haven't really spoke like we normally do... I chomped it up to work, and a bunch of other BS.

I'm praying on it asking God to remove these twins that have invaded my friendship and life... jealousy and envy.

I guess luv jus dont luv me...

GET.. DAT.. DIRT OFF UR SHOULDER

2008-11-08T20:21:00.009-05:00

LOVE THIS CLIP!

CAN U TELL IM EXCITED ABOUT THIS CHANGE??

Check out Judges Chapter 4 in the Holy Bible it speaks of a man named Barak

Spread the Stupidity

2008-11-07T11:55:00.005-05:00

Received this email today.. made me laugh so I figured I would share =)

Only In America...

Only in America ...... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage .
Only in America ...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages o f eight.
Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Ever Wonder...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

We all need to smile every once in a while =)

Road Rage

2008-11-07T09:07:00.011-05:00

Lately my road rage has been off tha chain!!
Not sure where all this pinned up anger is coming from, but I have really been losing it while behind the wheel... So I decided I needed to release these pinned up emotions before I burst while driving...

Now my daily travel back and forth to work requires me to drive in what is probably the worst traffic in Charlotte. I work the basic hours 8-5 so its normal to expect some blockage... but the streets I must travel are horrendous! Ive experience an array of characters, and here is my advice to them...

The Breaker: You know who you are...the ones that drive with their right foot (and probably left one too) hoovering over the brake while tapping it every 3 seconds!!!!!!!! Why must you continue to BRAKE when there is no one in front of you huh??? Are you scared??? Inexperienced maybe?? If so than imma have to ask you to either put one of those 'student driver' signs on top of your car or get in the slow lane, and leave the fast lanes to me and the other people that know what they are doing.... thanks!
Holla Back Man: Another thing that annoys me is when I am driving minding my own business trying to keep my eyes on these non drivin drivers, and some dude decides he wants to pull up beside me roll down is window and holla while we are doing 60MPH in traffic ::smh:: Look homie, its not that serious okay? Maybe I will run into you somewhere else, in another situation that is a heck of a lot safer... lets not risk the lives of you and I, and EVERYONE ELSE on the road all right???
The Elders: Lets address the elders... Now I don't want to be disrespectful here, because I understand that your reaction time may be a little slower than average... or maybe you just didn't see my big black SUV in the lane DIRECTLY beside your Lincoln before you decided to cut me off.. even though we were riding parallel to each other its all good grandma and/or grandpa, out of respect I forgive you for that... but here's where I get a lil frustrated, please DO NOT take advantage by slowing down and going 5MPH for the next 30 miles while you brake at every single street we pass because you don't want to miss your turn! I'm not retired.. I got things to do, and I do not have the time or patience to wait on you to squint while approaching every street sign, I'm sorry Mrs.Daisy I just don't!
Mr./Mrs./Miss./Ms. Hasty: Now I understand what it is like to be impatient... I really do, but you take it to a whole 'nother level. I would say a good 74.6% of the people on the road want to get where they are going as quickly as possible ::sidebar:: And I quote: 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot ::end sidebar::. Why must you ride on my bumper oh so close?? Is it because you think your scaring me into going faster?? Well let me hit you with some knowledge... 1st of all I can only go as fast as the car in front of me is going, these are real automobiles not bumper cars not video game cars, you can not create a surge of power by nudging my car... but what you can create is a good excuse for me to file a claim with your insurance company. 2nd of all please stop switching lanes all crazy like! You are making an a$$ out of yourself, and I am embarrassed for you. Your also making everyone around you nervous because we don't know what kind of crazy spin move you might pull next... and in all actuality your in the same spot if not further behind then you would have been had you stayed in your original place =(
The Geese Gang: Is it just me or do they take their time on purpose?? It seems like when those geese gangs take over the street they make sure you know who is in charge, by looking every driver they can in the eye while crossing! I get the feeling they are saying " I wish a mutha would". And why do they get their own special signs?? What about all the other animals?? Like squirrels, or raccoons ::smh:: those poor creatures don't have a chance. I think we need to reevaluate what animal crossing signs are most important cause personally I don't mind stopping for a DEER CROSSING, now that's a gang I will respect, they will mess you and your car up... but some punk a$$ GEESE??
The Hesitator: I know driving can be a little scary sometimes.. but you gotta take charge! Don't let other drivers intimidate you! Go ahead and make that turn into oncoming traffic, and don't let all 50 cars from a merging street punk you by jumping in front of you! Unless you grow some balls you will never become a better driver... I'm sorry its true
The Northerner: Your a lot like Mr./Mrs./Miss./Ms. Hasty, except you like to add sound effects to your rage. You like rolling down your window leaning your body half way out of the car and yelling out unnecessary things. You also enjoy laying on your horn. Sometimes if traffic is stopped you will go as far as to getting completely out of the car making some kind of wacky hand motion and verbally assaulting your fellow drivers! Your making all of us southerns very uncomfortable.. You want to make eye contact with all the neighboring drivers, but we want no part in your tirade so please... have some respect, its not where you from its where you at, and that type of behavior is completely unacceptable down here, this is your final warning northerner.

So if you fit the description of one of these :::yes u too Geese Gang:: please take note and action. Thanks.

OHH YES WE DID!

2008-11-05T16:35:00.004-05:00

Never Say Never.... My President is BLACK (and white) his name is too!

All hip hop heads check out this mixtape: DJ Green Lantern, Russell Simmons & Barack Obama - Yes We Can

Barack Obama - Yes We Can

Word.

2008-11-04T10:50:00.004-05:00

With today being election day and everyone sitting on the edge of their chairs waiting to find out who the next president will be I think it was nothing but God's will for me to run across this article, and I would like to share it. Its too long to copy and paste so just follow this link...

Walk On Water Faith

2008-11-03T14:32:00.003-05:00

I want to be a lot of things in life.... like famous, continuously happy, wealthy, and 100% healthy, but most of all my longest desire is to be a true Christian. My attitude and way of thinking changes frequently according to a couple a things.... my environment, my financial status, the current vibe I get from those I care about, and those that are in close proximity of me. Maybe I take all these things into consideration because my zodiac sign is Libra... I don't know.

My sister always tells me that there is a spiritual warfare going on, and this year I have truly been a solider in that war. The thing is sometimes I know that I was fighting on the wrong side. I was not raised in a Christian house hold, my mother mentioned God when it was convienient. I claim Christianity, but there is more to it then just claiming it. Satan makes us think that it is so hard to live a Christian life, when actually it is the most simple, honorable thing you cant do to prove your faith to God. I believe that going to church reading the Holy Bible and praying whenever things go wrong is not enough... You have to have that WALK ON WATER FAITH. I was reading over some of the previous blogs that I posted and I contemplated taking them down because some of the things I said were out of my character. I have a hard time finding a balance between the spiritual me and controlling the worldly me. I'm not one of those Christians that claim to be perfect... I'm am far from it, which I why I choose not to take down or edit my previous post. I am one of those Christians that believes the way to show people how good and real God is, is to testify and be an example so that others can see.
I just pray that God continues to be patient with me so I can get this right one day.

Good Ol Cosmo

2008-10-31T13:38:00.003-05:00

We all know of Cosmo magazine... some women live their lives by it, but have you ever noticed all the new and improved "sex positions" and "ways to make your man tingle in the bedroom" articles?? Well here are some from the latest issue that I thought were just too funny not to share.

#2. “Intensify his orgasm by placing two fingers an inch behind his balls and feeling for a dent…For the last 30 seconds before he comes, massage the spot in a circular motion.”
Ok, I’m all for orgasm intensification, but not at the stake of my man’s butthole. Even Cosmo shows a little uncertainty about anal relations “It’s totally cool…but make sure it’s ok with him first.”—they don’t include a disclaimer about permish before any of their other moves…", so I’m not so ready to venture that close while my target is rapidly thrusting and moving every which way. Additionally, there are tell tale signs that a guy is about to orgasm, but I don’t know if I’m skilled enough to identify them half a minute in advance. Cosmo has this very odd way of giving hyper precise timing instructions for many of their moves…

# 14. “Straddle your guy, then lean forward and rest your upper body on his torso. Bring one leg out to the side, and bend it so that the inside of your leg is against the bed. Then straighten the other leg, and slide it in between his legs. You’ll be better able to rock your clitoral area against his pelvis.”
Um, can I see a diagram? Any sex position that requires more concentration than yogalates cannot be that enjoyable. Contorting my body to the point where I’m thinking about where my torso is in relation to my leg can only mean one thing: I’m not focused on the pleasure goin’ on at that point. I’ll pass…

21. “While on top, straddle your guy and clench your legs so his arms and torso are pinned down. As he keeps still, roll your hips in a clockwise direction. Switch to counter-clockwise, then back, every 30 seconds.”
Again with the timing! Do the women who play guinea pig for these articles have a stopwatch? Even if I did have a clock handy, you can be sure I won’t remember to check it every 30 seconds…which would screw up the rhythm, throw me off of my concentration—see number 14.

44. “While driving home one night, tell him to pull off into a secluded parking area. Then take him in the backseat.”
This can’t end well. Trust me, from personal experience. When you sexily demand that he pull over, he interprets your “throaty phone sex” voice as an “Oh sh*t! Deer!” voice. When he slams on the brakes you can be sure he’s not gonna be in the mood for any sexy time…at least for the first two minutes. Either that, or once in said secluded area and all hot and heavy, windows fogged, etc., you will be so creeped out by déjà vu to every teen horror film you’ve ever seen and immediately panic. Additionally, if any officer of the law comes to check out your suspicious (-ly rocking) vehicle, you’re in for some major embarrassment and possible citations.

54. “Before company comes over, get it on in one of the chairs in your living room. Seeing a guest sitting there later will remind you of how naughty you were.”
False. My thoughts of chair occupants will not be after my “naughtiness” but very much during. And instead of thinking about all the sexy things we’re doing on our chair, I’ll be thinking “Wow, whoever sits here next is one unlucky mofo! Huh, I wonder if there’s any way they would ever be able to tell. Oh God I hope not. Wait, if they can’t tell—how can I?! How many sex chairs have I been the unsuspecting occupant of? OMG EW! And how many people have done it before in this chair?! This furniture came with the apartment!”

Thank you, Cosmo, for never failing to deliver on your promise of wonderful new sex techniques for me to try

Officially a history maker...

2008-10-31T08:24:00.003-05:00

I am officially a part of history...
I early voted yesterday, and gosh darn it I feel good about it!

Now it almost didn't happen cause in case you didn't know I don't have much patience. Okay so from what I knew the library was gonna start the voting at 10am. So I got there at 10am on the dot, and there was a line of about 20 people... I figured not too bad, maybe 30min wait at the most. Boy was I wrong!! Come to find out the library opened at 10am but the early voting didn't start until 11am! I was pissed when I found this out, but I started thinking about all the people that fought and died so I could have the right to stand in line to vote... I humbled myself for the moment. So 11am rolled around and the line is moving and I quote "slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter ". Not to mention it was about 30 degrees outside! A whole hour and a half later, 12:30pm, I finally sit in the chair to verify my registration and vote.
Rewind!!!!
I originally registered in another city because I was attending school there
Back to the past/future!!
The lady tells me that she needs to see proof of my current address... I have nothing on me that will prove my current address... so I have to go back home and get a piece of mail that verifies my address.... aggravated much??? YES I WAS! I finally made it back, thank God I didn't have to stand in line again cause at this point it was wrapped ALL THE WAY around the building! I get in there and cast my votes.So after about 2-3hrs of waiting.. then rushing that's how I officially became a part of history.
Leaving that building I felt a sparkle of hope that things were going to change